CoLOur$ oF MY LifE

why are u still affecting my life....

2010-06-02T00:32:00.002+08:00

i really don't know what is really going on.

i have not been visiting my own blog because it brings back so much pain and bitterness in my life but i wont delete it as this is the only thing i have to remember RLGQ.

recently RLGQ has been in my thoughts again. this time not in a bad way no more.

i remember how we met before and how we actually started.
the feeling i felt when that first moment together.

i dunno why i am near to tears now.
maybe because i know its long gone.
those are just memories to keep.

i understand that he chose that other person because that other person suits his needs and criteria as a BF. i totally understand that. i kinda feel that i don't meet any of his criteria, i had that feeling when he told me that one of his friend had the exact criteria as himself in a BF.

i kinda miss talking to him... telling him about the stress that i face..... discuss about things to do, or should do... eating food that we both love... like the pork noodle in 15....

i cant find the feelings that i had with him but that doesn't mean that i would stop finding...

the only thing i regret so far is to have treated him the way i treat him just so that i can get over him sooner and easier...

after all that, i still find myself missing him so much and rejecting everyone that comes by...

i truly wish him all the best with the new person and life in general....

i still have a place in my heart vacant for him...

i know this is silly... to give chance to the person that hurts you the most to have a chance to hurt you again.... but what can i do??? i wish life would be shorter for me now as i have found the best days of my life and i do not want the memories to fade....

finally.... its over!!!

2010-03-20T13:40:00.002+08:00

I have been waiting for this moment since ever.....

first of all... i finally got angry at RLGQ for all the things that he had done to me... and i couldn't believe i had the courage to send him an sms screwing him up.. seriously.. if you don't believe in me then don't. If you think i would spread "news" about you then in the first place you should not tell me anything at all... don't go round telling my friends what they can do or can't do.. plus they're not telling lies.. its the fact.. so if you're still so afraid then don't hang out with GAYS.. get a GIRLFRIEND and be STRAIGHT. if you want to stay gay, hang out with gays, live a gay's life... then be brave and face everything that will be thrown to you... i am so disappointed with you and myself... i can't believe you have changed so much till i don't even know you anymore. the brave and smart person i used to know is gone..

ok, enough with all the drama from that crappy relationship....

i was finally promoted yesterday after a long fight that i have in the office. i have sacrificed so much to get here and now i am finally here!!! ATL!!! woot!!!!

there are several times that i thought of giving up and just let it be... but of course there are people that stopped me from doing so... i really appreciate what they have done for me...
the night before yesterday, i was so nervous and was so afraid that i don't know what to say during my final interview. then, someone told me this " it's not about the experience you have, it's about how you sell yourself". influenced by that saying, i focused on selling myself.

i was trying so hard to be confident but not to the extend of being cocky... i think i managed to do so during the interview. i felt the change in me and it is certainly a good change..

i hope that after this, i will be better at what i do and not feel so stressed out by the workload that i have...

missing YOU...

2010-01-29T12:15:00.002+08:00

It has been months that i have not seen your face. not heard from your voice.
i always wonder wat is going on with your life.. who would have thought that i will be this way...
i guess i really really love you...

everytime when you post your status in chinese, i always wonder what it means. is it good? or is it bad? but i always didnt get the answer. all i can do is to pray for you so that everything turns out good for you.

you are not my past neither my future... you are always my present.. although i am not crying anymore but you are the only person that i would think of when i am not working... all i want is to see you happy.. it hurts me if you are going out with others but if it makes you happy i wouldnt mind. i really want to be your friend but maybe not now... maybe in the future when you already found your prince charming.. i know i am not good enough for you.. sometimes i regret for not studying.. if i am studying at least you would understand what i am going through.. and i would also understand wat you are going through.., but too bad... i am not that rich to just study without working.. there is alot of things that are unfortunate for me...

now my mum is having the same thing as me.. she has 2 growth in her tummy as well... i wanted to tell you about it... i was really sad and didnt know who to tell it too.. but all i can do is just to cry because of what i have not done..

i duno why i post this here... maybe i am still hoping for you to read my blog.. i will wait for you till i cant stand it anymore.. now i can still love you in my heart so i will wait...

happy.....?

2010-01-05T22:34:00.002+08:00

"so wat if it hurts me, so wat if i break down...."

thats wat i hold now in my life... so wat if all the bad things happen? we will still have to live on.. so don hang on to the emotions too long...

recently celebrated my bday.... first bday without YKW... i was really happy by the way to have received some wishes from those who i really thought wouldn't wish me...

like wat ppl say... don expect too much and u will be happy...

I miss U so much... and the love i have for U just keep growing even though i don see and feel U anymore.. but somehow i will still think of U from time to time.. and yea missing U...

wat can i do?? i always ask myself that... but the answer nvr come...

i am willing to wait.... i guess...

word for my dear...

2009-10-24T12:54:00.002+08:00

hey dear,
i cant say enough of these words as i cant show them to you anymore. i love u.
i have given up trying to win u back because it always back fires. i initiate anything and it would work. i try to ask u out but u r always busy with ur friends. i tried sms but u don really want to reply. i wanted to call but i know that even if u answer. i would be the one that u want to speak to.
to u i am just a past. i am ur first and that's it. nothing more than that. but to me, u are the greatest thing that happen in my life emotionally. i have not felt love this way. i have not met anyone that is like u and i will not meet anyone like u ever. but all i can say is that i will always love u. regardless of anything that happen. i wish u all the best in life and most of all... is for u to have love. let the new person appreciate u and love u more than i do. so that u can live happily with that person. its not that i am giving up on us. i will nvr give up even mysterious person knows it. but for now, i will have to let u go and live ur life. i want u to have great bdays from now on. i want u to celebrate all the days that are important to u. i do wish that i could celebrate my important days with u. but only if u want to. i couldnt feel u anymore. and u know that i would give up my all for u to love me again. but if u say no. i will have to respect ur decisions. i will just have to keep my love in me for as long as i can. and hope that 1 day u will redeem them for urself.
i may be seeing someone but just so u know my love for u is just too great. i will be ur guardian angel. i will be there for u when others are not. but only if u let me be there. if u don call i cant come even if i am just right beside u. take care my dear. u were, are and going to be dear to me forever!!! nothing will ever change that... ever!!!

love,
your dear that failed...

its too difficult... i cant take it anymore....

2009-10-23T07:52:00.002+08:00

after so long after the break up, i am still so in love with u. why is that so? aren't love suppose to fade like ur love for me?? i feel so tortured. everyday i have to put on a mask just to show ppl that i am ok. but the fact is i am not.

i felt like this is not a break up at all because in my heart, we are like family already. and this felt like a divorce instead. now that i think of it. it made sense now that all the morning smses is not replied at all. and when i ask u, u said that there is nothing to reply. and for months u only replied sms with questions. have it ever crossed ur mind to talk about it so that we can work things out? i guess not. that's why we are here now right.. and everytime i end the calls with "i love u" u will just reply "ah" and "ehm". have u ever thought of telling me the truth? what happen to being honest? i know i haven't really been honest to u. but my love for u is the most honest thing i can give u. i dunno what is going on with my life now. i really don't.

now i am so afraid to even sms u. everyday i felt like sending u an sms to show that i still care but i cant because i do not want to spoil ur day. as i know my sms is gonna make u feel disgusted, unlike sms from the other friends of urs. when i know there is a possibility of someone else getting u, it hurts me even more. i keep telling myself, its over and forget about it. but i cant. everything i do i will think of u. every other person that sms me and try to flirt, i will reply coldly. because i just cant. i cant hurt any other ppl as i know i only love u alone. i cant pretend to like them and hurt them because i know how hurt is the heart when its broken. i myself cant bare the hurt. everyday i pray so that everyone is being honest to u, they do not lie to u or even hurt u. but thats all i could do from now on. that time when i called u when u had an emo post on msn, i was thought about it alot of times, weather or not to call. but i finally said to myself, pride is nothing when it comes to comforting u. i just felt like u need someone to talk to u. even though i know that u have other friends to comfort u but i still want to be one of them.

i dunno if u still feel that i am being fake. when u told me the attention u received from me is fake. i felt like a lost soul. i really do. i feel like i have given my all and yet it is fake. and to see u smile when u get sms from ur other friends and an sms from me is only gonna make u angry, how do u think i would feel? i had been sad for u, i had been angry about the things that u have done to me when we were together... but thats not enough to kill the love i have for u. even though u don forgive me for wat i have done. u don even want to say that u forgive me when i ask for forgiveness. but i will forgive u for all the things u have hid from me. for all the things that u have done wrong to me even the break up. i forgive u for all that. and i pray that u will have a good life and that God will guide u through ur degree and that u will past with flying colours.

i would tell u all this myself but i am too afraid to talk to u or even sms u like this. so i will just post it here in my blog, if u read it then good. but if not its ok. at least u will someday know that i have said this before. take good care of yourself. and i will always always love u till the end of my life. not even if there is a new person in my life can take away the love i have for u. u r the one love for me....

after 3 weeks

2009-10-10T13:34:00.002+08:00

after 3 weeks i really thought i could make u feel, i could make u think about us, or even give us another chance....

but apparently not...

i have always loved u and always will till the very last minute of that feeling.. love will definitely fade because it is not nurtured... to tell u the truth. i really love u more and more each day after break up... i fall for u every other day that i see u or i read about u... but i know u were so hurt by me that u wouldnt give me any chance at all.. i just want u to know.. i love and care for u... and it hurt me the most not because u don love me... is that u don wanna give chance for us... i went drinking and swimming in the middle of the night with my friends, thinking that i am over u... i certainly am not... but to help me forget u... i will do anything possible.. because u are my first and only real love for now... and i know its karma that i hits me now... and i will treat everyone the same now... i cant believe that u are so heartless to do wat u do to me... to see me hurt and yet not comfort me... i think u really deserve someone else... someone that could show u how i really feel when u leave me... someone that could show u how is real love like... i couldnt hold on anymore...

i will always love u my dear RLGQ... always... u have a room in my heart that i will keep for u... and when i die i will testify about ur love for me... how great it was while it lasted... i hope u too...

adakah salah cintaku??

2009-10-02T09:28:00.002+08:00

cinta... apa itu cinta??? adakah cinta itu satu permainan antara dua insan yang bosan? adakah cinta itu hanya satu perkataan yang kita lafazkan apabila kita gembira? bolehkah cinta itu wujud dalam geram, marah dan sedih.....?

cintaku padamu tidak pernah padam. sehingga kini, cintaku padamu tetap ada di hati. setiap kali ku melihat telefonku, membuat apa yang kita selalu lakukan, aku hanya teringatkan kau. aku tidak menafikan bahawa cinta diantara kita sudah tidak sama. tapi, masihkah ada cinta untukku?? masihkah ada sayang untukku? itulah persoalan yang sering berkumandang didalam fikiranku. terus terang ku katakan, harapan untukmu kembali didalam hidupku tetap membara dalam hati yang luka ini.

ku rasa sangat terseksa. walaupun ku masih mencintaimu dan menyayangimu, aku tidak dapat menunjukkan kasih dan sayang itu kepadamu. sering kali ku berbuat begitu, kau hanya akan lebih membenciku. pabila ku melihat kawan baru yang kau ada di dalam "facebook" ku rasa resah. aku rasa kau sudah berubah. kau tidak pernah akan berkawan dengan orang orang yang begitu. tidak pernah sama sekali.

kau berjanji jika ada sayang dan cintamu padaku, kau akan kembali dalam hidupku. tapi pernahkah kau inginkan itu. didalam hatiku, ku tahu kau tidak pernah berfikir untuk kembali. jika kau pernah berfikir untuk kembali, kau tidak akan melakukan apa yang kau lakukan sekarang. kau akan biarkan dirimu jauh dari "buaya=buaya" di luar sana. aku ingin melindungmu dari mereka kerana ku tahu apa yang diinginkan mereka. tapi ku tidak boleh bersuara, kerana inilah jalan hidupmu dan kesalahan ini harus dilakukan dirimu sendiri agar kau mampu sedar dari mimpi mimpi mu ini.

jujur ku katakan, ku masih mencinta, menyayang dan ingin berada di sampingmu. namun kebenarannya, kau tidak akan kembali padaku. betapa bodohnya ku rasa pabila ku sedar. ku disini berharap untuk kita kembali bersatu. dan kau disana, tidak terlintas difikiranmu itu walau sekalipun yang kau ingin kembali. jika kau ingin kembali kau sudah lama kembali. aku ingin melindungimu dari semua bahaya, tapi ku tidak dibenarkan. jika ku tahu apa-apa yang terjadi kepada orang kesayanganku akan ku jadi bingung buat selamanya.

walaupun hampir dua minggu tiada di sampingmu, ku masih merindukan kamu dengan sepenuh jiwa dan ragaku. ku masih mencintai dirimu dengan sepenuh hatiku. hari-hariku sudah tidak sama. semua orang disekellingku merasakan yang sama. namun apa boleh ku buat??? hanya berharap...... semua kekawanku menasihati supaya ku berhenti berharap, ini sahaja balasanku kepada mereka. "kau tidak akan faham mengapa ku tidak ingin melepaskannya. pabila kau menemui seseorang yang kau merasakan itulah orangnya, kau tidak akan lepaskan."

RLGQ, aku mencintai dan menyayangimu buat selama-lamanya. kaulah ilhamku, motivasiku dan syurgaku.

9th day has come...and i am still hoping

2009-09-27T11:00:00.003+08:00

ytd was suppose to meet HIM for lunch but HE already eaten. i thought maybe we don have to meet la since HE already had lunch. so i ask if HE still want to go out with me. HE said yes. we went to have the rojak that HE has always promised to bring me. although HE didnt eat, but i felt so happy sitting next to HIM and eat the food that we always wanted to eat together. although now we are just friends but to me HE is so sweet to still come out and teman me. I HOPE AFTER READING THIS HE WON'T RESTRAIN HIMSELF TO NOT SEE ME EVER, NOT EVEN ON NORMAL FRIENDS OUTING.

then we head on to SP to get his phone. i can see it in HIS eyes that he really wanted to get that phone. and when HE really got it, HE was so happy and HIS eyes just glow. I personally was not enjoying myself at all. being with him physically but emotionally not there. it hurt me so bad to be there but feel lost at the same time. but all i want is to see HIM smile again. and that is why i lend him some money first to get his phone. i know for a fact if i say don have to return, he will not ever accept. and i know that i only would like to have my DEAR to return...not the cash. but who am i kidding. dreams are meant to be dreams.

we talk so much about whatever we felt like talking. and yes i only could talk about US, US and US. i only want him to remember all the sweet events that we have been through. and i keep telling him things. and at one point, i know for a fact that i really do love him. i know he can really feel. my friends told me, why are u still waiting for HIM? why are u sacrificing so much for HIM? and all i can say to them is.... u don know HIm and u don know my love for him is how deep... u all don know how much we have been through together... how much tears have been shed... how much laughter that has been heard... how much anger that we had blasted on each other... but all that emotions lets me know that HE still care. but right now at this moment... there is nothing at all from HIM. its like as though HE was dreaming for past 2 years and now HE is awake and all that was a dream. HE told me he is very curious and wants to try everything. then i started thinking, did HE even started with me as a curious move. did he really fell for me??? did HE really had a crush on me before. i started being paranoid. and then there is this moment i saw a msg in his phone by accident.. and it reads: i need you.... i changed... my face turned black.. i could care less about the ending. i could care less about who sent it... the only think i know is that i am super jealous about it.. i hope he knows i am jealous because he is really important to me and i don want him to get hurt ever again. ever.....

i went to work... had a lot of beer.. started acting crazy... and when i came back.. i almost killed myself because of the beer.. but i kept thinking of how i have to live so that i have a chance to love HIM and be loved by HIM again... and i got home safely... i know it sounded cheeky... it sounded like some hong kong drama.. But let me tell you this.. ITS ALL REAL... i am not making up stories to make it look interesting. this is what i felt and this is wat i am going to bloog about... everything i go through in the absence of RLGQ. a very very very important person in my life.. i want HIM to know that i am not useless, stupid and that i am very loving and caring towards HIM. and all i can do now is to let him REALIZE it by HIMSELF. and i will not live for him but i will live for me and hope that he will one day reunite with me so that we can live for US.

ps: SLY so much

8th day But Still Loving....

2009-09-26T10:47:00.005+08:00

nothing really happened yesterday. as usual i sms and call him just to let him know that i am still here for him. and as usual the reply wouldn't come back as how i wanted which is fine with me. i know that he received my sms is good enough for me. he has always thought that we started off so sweet together and we just grew more and more dull when it comes to sms and calls.. no more lovey dovey sweet talk.. i really missed that. and he told me that he still keeps the sms-es that meant alot to him. i am really glad to know that. but he is going to change his phone soon because the old phone is giving a lot of problem to him. he cant communicate with his friends at all..

i really wanted to help him get the phone that he wanted, but obviously he wouldnt let me. if i have enough money i wouldn't let him know and just buy him that phone but all i can afford is to come out with half of the amount. and he said no, just let him ask his mother, and i said fine but if he needed help he know where to get me.

then calvin msg me on msn. asking me to meet up with him and just spill the stories to them.. especially andrew. andrew has always been jealous about how loving and understanding RLGQ and i were. but unfortunately it just has to stop. i am still loving and understanding towards him its just that he is not the same person that loves me. at least i don't feel his love. but i still want to think that he still loves me its just that he don't wanna show it.

after crying and telling them the sad story of my life ( boo-hoo), all they can say is just be strong. they told me that they wouldn't want to give me false hope but just be strong and wait if i feel that waiting is worth it. i definitely feel that this is so worth it. i could wait for as long as i want if the thing i am waiting for is the love of my life. nvr in a million years i thought of leaving or giving up on this relationship.

after all that drama, i went back home. as usual when i am at home all i could think of is MR RIGHT... and i tried sms and calls but i know he is still in class... come 5.30pm i called and ask him what is he gonna do later on after class. he just told me he would be going to SP and just be with his friends. then i ask him exactly what he wants to do, and he told me have dinner, buy shirt and get another piercing. he knows for a fact that i wouldn't like him to pierce but i would accept and support him if he really wants to pierce. thats all i could tell him, i said think it through but if u really want to pierce go ahead, i really would support.

then comes night time, happily chatting with all of my friends who were online. talking crap basically because they wouldn't want to remind me of the sadness. after chatting for so long i got an sms. its an invitation sms to play basketball in the night time. frankly, i am very reluctant to go. and then my friends told me you have to get out there. you have to do everything even if you like it or not. so i accepted the invite and went. although i suck at bball but i had at least a moment too sweat out the negativity. then after bball session, i sms RLGQ and ask if he got the piercing and where is his location. he replied he got it and it was more pain compared to the lobe and i was confuse because when he replied it was awhile after that. i tried calling him to ask what the sms meant then i realize the meaning after reading what i have sent. i ask him if i could meet him. i just felt like every special events or at least non-common events i wish to spend it with him and i wish he could spend time with me if my day was special. when i saw him, i couldn't take my eyes off the pierced ear because of how red it was and when he hit the couch and just shout a little, it hurt me to know that he is in pain. but then after that we talked about me and what i did and he about what he did. it was fun talking to him again. although we are on different couches but talking to him again meant alot. and just by talking you get to know so much. when i decided to leave at about 1.30am, i ask him for a hug. and that hug was so precious to me. it really was. although it wasn't the same but i really cherish every moment i get to spend with him.

today i will be having lunch with him and i cant wait for it to come... i really want him to know that i really miss him and the time that we are apart is making me realize how much i really love him and i know that time made me realize and made my love for him grow even more. i will give my all to make things right. i will try to be there as often as i could. i would juggle my work life and personal.. and i will wait for that day to happen.. i will definitely wait for that day to happen, the happiest day of my life....

7th day without RLGQ

2009-09-25T05:14:00.003+08:00

as you can see that the title of the post and the post itself doesnt match... the title is a count and the post is about the things that happen the day before... technically this is a post about the 6th day...

i woke up in the morning and i couldn't go back to sleep. and i tried so hard to not call RLGQ. i did... all of my friends said to me that if i keep calling.. i will not be able to live my life... but after thinking for a long time, i figured that i love him too much.. i don care what he does to me... i don care how he feels for me.. i will just call and listen to his voice..

at first, i felt bad for calling him in the morning. he told me that he was still tired and that he wants to rest. then i told him, i know u're going through alot with all the assignments and all... just rest its ok.. i don really have to talk to him.. besides, even if he talks to me, it will just be "erm" and "ah" because he was just too tired...

i went downstairs after that and tried to just forget the fact that i want to see him so much.. but i couldn't. i called him again half an hour later.. i told him to let me send him to college and he agreed but he said to let him rest awhile more... he asked me to call him back to wake him at about 9 am. and that's what i did.

after i have called him, i went and got myself ready and head on to his house. i rang the bell with so much anxiety in me. and when his maid open the door and let me in, all i could think of is not to offend him and respect him as a person. his maid insist on me going up to his room to wait. as much as i wanted to, i know that there are boundaries. i waited in the living hall for maybe about 5-10 minutes. when he came down, it felt like as if we are going for a prom date and i looked at him with such glow in my eyes. i just looked. but i grew afraid and just looked back at wherever i was looking in the first place which is the coffee table. then he went and style his hair and came out so good looking. i realize how much i regretted not telling him the truth. he use to ask me how he looked and i will just give him a grin and say " oklah". and all he could say is sorry to keep me waiting on. and what i replied is i don mind. it is i who came earlier and wanted to wait.

on the way to college, we head to breakfast first. whilst in the car, he told me about a weird experience he had watching movie with his friends. and i just listen. because i choose to listen, i realize how much i know by just listening. i felt so happy that i finally learnt how to just listen and don cut ppl short. then i pop in a question about movies. i ask " which are his favourite movies this year?" and sadly all the movies he chose was the ones that he watched with his friends not me. i guess i don't really know how to choose a movie. then i told him mine was 'up'. i watched that movie with him. its one of our last movies together before the break up. i was really touched by the love the couple had in the movie. although it may seem fake to have a love so strong. but deep in my heart i know that it is possible. i teared watching that movie. and everytime i think of that day, i will remember his hand wiping of the tears from my face..

then i sent him off to college after breakfast. of course during breakfast we talked. i told him a few things that happen to me these past few days and he told me whatever he wanted to tell. but mostly he will just keep quiet. yesterday, i know something new about him. that his favourite chinese drama of all time is "cheong mou kei" and i liked that drama too. see how much i learn from listening??

after sending him to college i head on to work for a course. a course that relates so much to him. its psychology at work place. we learn how to manage stress and also help to keep our mind off certain, not important stress...and i think to myself.. why only now that i learn how to do all these... and all i could think of is him.. as usual.

after heading home from work, i met up with nicole. we talked about me and RLGQ. and we sang our hearts out all the songs we knew just to get my mind off him for just that moment. but it was obviously a failed attemp. and all i can say to nicole is to let me wait. let me do whatever i want to do. but i told her to just be there for me if ever i need her...

when i came back home, alli could think of is to go online and see if he is there so that i could chat with him. but he wasnt. he was asleep. i was happy that he is asleep. at least he is having a rest from all the dramas of live.

then i saw someone really important in our lives online. i chatted with him and i finally know the truth. i knew that although this person may seem out of our lives, he is in fact very in our lives. he knew how much i love RLGQ, how much i care and also how much i still love. i felt happy that i finally get to open up to him... felt so relieved yesterday. to know how much he supports me in this situation. and to know how much he knew about whats going on. that is really a surprise to me. he understood every single thing i said. its like as though he has a book or story that tells about the love i have and also the difficulties that RLGQ and i faced in our relationship. i feel that if ever RLGQ talked to this person, he will understand whats going on and he wouldn't be too stressed up.

all i can say i had a good night sleep. and that i woke up so early in the morning is not to tell everyone i am still stress or cant sleep. its just that i don really need a lot of sleep anymore. i just feel like live is more than just sleep, work and eat. lastly i want to say i still am loving YOU from the bottom of my heart. and know that i am still here waiting for YOU whenever YOU want to come to me for anything at all, you know how to get me. I LOVE YOU!!!!

6th day without RLGQ

2009-09-24T07:28:00.002+08:00

yesterday all my friends asked me out. and i thought, wat for.. i am depressed and i will only make them depressed as well... then they keep on persisting on meeting me. and i thought oklah... just go.. there is no harm in meeting them... besides... i am suffering at home...

firstly, i met up with danica... i knew that she is always there for me as i have for her... even though we had big ass quarrel and thought that we will nvr be friends anymore, we still care for each other... i cried to her about it... about wat has happened.. the weird thing is, she cried too... she told me... that this is just a phase in this relationship... be strong and don ever give up... she told me that i have to be strong to live my life as normal as i could... but nvr hide the feeling or keep the feeling aside just because YOU dont love me anymore... its embarrassing to have cried in old town.... but who really cares... who really cares if we cry... who really cares if we are upset...

then i went out with my work friends... we drink and we sang our hearts out... all of us had or is having relationship issue as well... all the heart aching songs were sung out loud.. i really thought i felt better... maybe is the beer or maybe is the companion... but there was this moment that i totally forgotten of wat has happen.. i forgot who i was with... i forgot who i have loved and is still loving... i became so restless.. and i keep asking jason... wat am i doing... how come i cant feel anymore... but as soon as i got in the car... i struck me again... i can tell YOU the truth that i am not that sad anymore... but i am still loving YOU regardless of wat...

when i came back home i smsed YOU... just to let YOU know wat i did and wat i am doing... and also just to wish YOU goodnight... not knowing that a reply would come back or not... i know YOUR reply was just a mere gesture of friendship... and for you to share that YOU'RE stressed of assignments with me... really made me happy... atleast i am a friend to you...don worry my dear.. YOU have always had stress with college.. and guess wat.. everytime you will get out of it and score a good score because YOu have put in YOUR best in it... YOu just have to have faith in yourself... if u ask me.. u will be a great Psychologist or anything u wanted to be in the future..

i know for a fact that the return of YOU in my life is merely impossible... but i will still wait for YOU no matter wat... because of the love i have for YOU has no limit... i will heal one day.. and by heal i would mean that i am not sad anymore.. but if YOU think that by healing means that i will move on to find another... YOU'RE wrong... i will always wait for the RLGQ that i have always love.. and is still loving... take care and all the best in life... i will always write this way... as though i am speaking to YOU.. because i am speaking to YOUR heart.. i don wanna disturb YOU and YOUr daily life just by calling YOU every single second.. but i will blog and hope that YOU read it... I STILL LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL....

5 th day after losing RLGQ

2009-09-23T07:56:00.002+08:00

yesterday i called and ask how is it that he can let go so easily. he don feel pain at all.
where as me, i feel all the pain in the world in my heart.... i cry and cry till my other friends started crying... then he finally answered that there is no more love in his heart for me... that's y its super easy for him to say no to me when i ask for another chance... and its super easy for him to just have fun and just forget me...

i am happy that we have shared this 2 years together.. through pain and happiness.. but unfortunately... it wasn't good enough for him... i wasn't good enough for him.. and for him to fall and have feelings for others so so fast... really kills me inside because he doesn't have any sympathy or he don't even care about how i feel anymore...

i admit that i still love him with all my heart... i admit that i still care for him.. but i cant lie and say i am not upset by the situation... for these past few days.. he said that he felt something but he just don wanna think about it... he don wanna think wat is going on between us or even wat is going to happen between us.. he is willing to let me go as a friend if i really don wanna be his friend... and it really really hurt me to know that...

3rd day of crying...

2009-09-20T19:56:00.002+08:00

everytime i am at home or work... i will think of YOU. i have never stopped loving and caring for you and yet this has happen... u claimed that u have loved me with all your heart... then let me feel and know that.. as far as i know... if u love someone, u would understand that sometimes things have to happen for a reason... not just give up.. just because u don feel loved... or there is a better feeling from flirting with other ppl... or even from your friends... i have never once thought of breaking up with u...NEVER. why??? because i have loved u since we're together and i have nvr loved u less since...

everytime u talk about "that person" how do u think i feel. how do you think i feel when everything we do reminds u of him... i am ur bf regardless of how horrible u feel i am.. i am still ur bf... the least u could do is to tell me and discuss with me... even a break up... we can talk about it nicely.. not just ignore each other until i get upset... how do u think i feel,... do u think i am strong enough thats the reason u want to just leave me like that... all the things we went through together.. u may replace it with someone else... but i cant... nvr in my life i ever said that u remind me of someone else that i have feelings with... is this how u show ur love???/

wat do u love about me??? sex??? money??? my humor??? or just someone to hang out and call bf??? because i have no time with u... because i don have the mood to do anything because too tired from work... because i am tired everytime i go out with u caused by work... because of all these reasons u wanna leave me... ever thought that at times when i am free and wanted to talk to you, u said ur busy.. ur out with friends... and with family and cant meet me... how would i feel... i feel sad too but i understand... i understand that if u can u would be with me but its just because of ur commitments that u have to spend ur time elsewhere...

i never ever thought bad thought about u or even this relationship... because this is wat i wanted i have to accept.. how bad it hurt me... i still endure because i really thought u were still loving me after all that.. because of ur hug, ur tears... they let me know that ur sincere..

knowing that there are doubts now made me really sad... i have cried for 3 days now... how do u think i feel when u can say u love me and u dont at the same time,... wat does that mean....?

i really don care anymore... i want u back... i want the person that i really know and that i really love back to me... not the person that loves other ppl... not the person that wants to flirt with other ppl to feel nice... i want the person who love me regardless of how i look... no matter how ugly u still say i look good..i want that person back....the person that would love me for me....

heartless....

2009-09-19T05:34:00.000+08:00

why heartless u may ask??? this is the day that i was betrayed by my loved one. not only my love has been betrayed but my trust and faith too... all i did for all these while is make our life better... to make us happier so that we do not think of the financial stress... but no... to others what i do is so my own personal gain... not only i have to work my ass off to impress the boss and stayed in the office till late at night... but the sacrifices i need to make is unspeakable... here i thought that i am doing everything well... no rain.. no storm.... everything seems to be calm... then ignorant starts to emerge to the surface... being me, i had to ask and get more info... in doing that, i got myself a big whole of a BREAK UP....

wow.. the feeling that i felt was too great for me to handle... burst out in tears for almost 12 hours now... i could not help myself but to think what did i do wrong now that this is happening... is it because of my previous mistake,... if yes y now it has been brought up... or is there anyone else... if that s the case... how can the word "i love u" even be used in our conversation??? that doesn;t make sense.. i could not help but flood the whole world with my tears.... i called all my friends hoping that it will help me ease the pain...

nothing happen... i am still as sad and hurt as i am.. its because the love in me still lives and i felt unfair that this wasnt discussed or even talked about in the first place it was just a moment that i would nvr forget....

ps if u ever wanna hurt someone in a relationship... think first if they did anything wrong that they deserve to be hurt this way.. no one deserve to be put in my situation...

worth waiting for.....

2009-06-27T13:13:00.002+08:00

for those of you who heard that this movie is not as great as the one before, please do not listen to them. i just watched this yesterday and i truly feel that it is worth the wait and trouble.

managed to get the 12.55 am tickets and wasn't really enthusiastic about the movie at first thanks to the reviews that are given by those who watched it earlier. addition to that, we had to wait outside the cinema for about 1 hours just to watch it. of course most of you will think, why am i so stupid and waited for an hour outside the cinema. actually the movie was suppose to start at 12.55 am so everyone queued for the popcorn and other snack or beverages 10 minutes before hand. out of expectation, the hall wasn't open for admission yet. the reason being, cleaning is still in progress. so while waiting everyone just lingered outside in the lobby, munching on the snacks that has been purchased. basically half of my popcorn is devoured before the movie even started.

at about 1.55am, we were allowed to enter the cinema hall and be seated at the assigned seats. thinking that the movie should be starting soon. we were disappointed once more. we had to wait for about 30 minutes for the advertisements to be played and it is a very long advertisement. i am not too sure why does it take so long to play the movie. everyone started boo-ing and making a whole lot of fuss till the movie actually being played at about 2.00 am ( about there)

despite all the waiting, the movie was great. the graphics was great. although i do agree with some, that the story line wasn't as great as the first one but the movie was still one of the best movies this year. more autobots and decepticons being introduced... more abilities and more transforming action... overall it was a really cool movie.

this is actually the first time i watched a movie so late that i slept straight when i got home. i just thought maybe i should blog about this as i haven't blog for a long time.

my first day in a gym....

2009-06-06T14:11:00.002+08:00

when i first got there in the gym, i was so blurr...
i dunno where to start...
dunno wat to do first....
so i went to the locker room and put my stuff there first then when i move back to the gym area i saw 1 of my friend there ( thankfully )
so i got some sort of clue wat to do after "consulting" my friend... hehe
then the first thing that i did was the step master or something like that (not too sure wat they're called) that was the most tiring thing to do, for me at least.

then went on to the cycling thingy... that was really cool la... it was a relaxed work out which focuses on the thighs... initially i did a whole lot of different work outs la...
i wasn't really focusing on any particular exercise ytd...
just wanted to try most of the thingy there..

this morning when i woke up..i felt so tired and my body was aching.. in fact it is still aching now... hehehe..
but i will get use to it la....
thats all la... it was fun and i keep saying that gym is the same as jogging in the padang which is not right at all...

p.s. i haven't got my blackberry yet because the fuckers in celcom are damn slow at doing wat they are suppose to do... very very not satisfied with the service they provide...

NOT a single minute wasted!!!!

2009-05-22T22:59:00.002+08:00

first of all, the title is an exaggeration. its just that today is the most i did in awhile.

early in the morning, was waiting for a wake up call but ended up making the wake up call =)
then got ready and kept telling myself not to get angry because so many things happened this whole week and knowing the "short-tempered" me, i will get angry at almost anything.

after getting ready drove off to Y.K.W's house and waited for awhile. usually i will be furious if i were to wait that long but dunno why i wasn't even angry. then we went and have a very casual tennis game. this is the first time we actually have a decent tennis game. usually i will be screaming from the other end and there wouldn't be any game in the end. maybe it's just the mind set. maybe i have told myself not to get angry that's why i was so patient today.

after tennis went back home and had lunch. nothing special there. about 1pm i went out with Y.K.W. again to the optical shop. i did not buy anything just accompanying Y.K.W. to get new glasses which i personally think is nice but not everyone is being on the same page as i am.

after that nothing could wipe off the smile off Y.K.W's face. was too excited to get the new spectacles i guess. then we went to subang parade. and i went straight to blue cube which is a celcom outlet in parade. the main point of being there is to enquire on the most amazing gadget to me, BLACKBERRY STORM. we had to wait for awhile for someone to actually take us seriously about it because we were dressed like some kids that just wanna be there to ask stupid questions and not buy anything. then this salesman aka worker there came up to us and actually 'layan' all our questions and obviously i was happy with the answers and Y.K.W. approves of me buying it i guess, from the look on the face. i have been talking bout the phone since forever and finally today was the first time i actually touched and played with the phone and it was really nice.

now the only thing that is keeping me from buying the phone is cash!!!!!!!!!!! i am hoping that i will get some help form my brother about it. i am jusat so excited and cant wait for that moment.
then we bought a large amount of dunkin donuts. which is not up to expectations at all. ate damn alot and i was bloated because after the dunkin donuts i had to get home and have dinner. i just couldn't sit still because i was too full and kept on burping like nobody's business =)

and now i am blogging again.. how much happiness or events like this can change a person's mood and made me blog again after this while... i will be updating this blog again with other updates...hopefully ;p

biggest loser.....?

2009-04-28T13:06:00.002+08:00

this is my favorite show of all time....at least for now it is....

in case you 're not sure of haven't heard of this show, this show is about obese people losing weight basically.
it is a very inspirational reality show.
i really thought that malaysia should have a reality show like this as malaysian lifestyle is exactly the way the contestant's were before they enter the programme.
and malaysian should really watch this as being inspired by this..

why this show get to me so emotionally??
although i am not an obese person, but i see myself in years to come being like that if i don't change my lifestyle.
i am a person that consume almost everything that is edible anytime anywhere.
supper has been a regular outing for me.
after watching this show it made me realize that if i keep this lifestyle, i will be seeing myself wearing size XXXL in a few year from now.
with my working hours now, i can't seem to get any time to exercise at all.

as a move towards better life ( i hope..) Danica and i have ask to have a permanent shift so that we could get ourselves sweating again.
and because of this new fixed shift i would have to sleep early as well, therefore, less supper i hope.

lastly, i do recommend all of you to watch this show on hallmark channel ( i don't know what time but there is repeat almost everyday and even on the weekends) even if you're not an obese, you may get inspired in some other ways....

live life to the fullest!!!!!!!!!!!!

RESULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-10T23:24:00.003+08:00

just imagine how anxious i felt before taking results. everyone else is taking it on time but the 3 of us (danica,sam and i)

my hands shivers when i sign the form and everything and we went to a corner to open up the paper and i shouted for joy as i got want i wanted which is all pass. then shortly after that only i checked for the grades. wow.. i was really happy that i passed all my papers.

then after that we went for yam cha and hang around at summit... its fun because its been awhile we didn't hang together....

i will not enclosed anyone's results here since its PnC.
as for mine.. i got 1 a and 3 b... thats all...

now stressed about making decisions to apply uni and all... haih...

outburst!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-10T00:26:00.003+08:00

today its really not my F***ing day la...

first at work its just like crap. i din have mood to start off and then the first call itself its an escalation call. its such a bad note to start work with. in addition to it, no one seem to care bout helping in work except some of them la but when i need help they're not free all the time. then frankly i feel like crap with some of my colleagues. used to be close and happy working together. and because of the ranking and other reasons that i am unsure of, we became enemy or at least not friends. i really hate it when ppl take it like i wanna beat them for the sake of winning. then some of them will pretend to lose just to make me feel better. pls u're not doing me a favor. and u think u're a better person doing so, pls forget it. to me u're an idiot. only idiots will not make a full advantage of wat is infront of him/her. i just wanna let go of everything today. i felt so like shit keeping it in me and pretend to like every single person in the world. its not that i wanna create trouble but pls get some brains. sometimes jokes oso some ppl wanna be so serious about. like stupid bitches only.

then come home and hope for it to stop. but that's not the case. i had to quarrel with Y.K.W. why is it so hard to communicate lately. it is me or is it everyone else? i feel as though those who understood me dont know who am i anymore. and because of that i don even think i know myself anymore. its like tmr is result day and the thing you at least could do is just go through it with me instead of being a pain in my ass right. y is it so hard to understand me. i am not really good in english but i don think i am that bad till ppl could not understand me in a simple conversation. i really hate it when ppl don understand me and keep repeating the same idiotic things. sometimes, its not that i want to get angry its just that if i don yell or scold ppl wouldn't take me seriously. its CRAP!!!!!!!!!

FIRST EVER TAG THAT I AM DOING!!!!!

2009-02-28T15:40:00.003+08:00

this tag post have been withdrawn due to some mistake and will be reposted if i manage to solve it...!!! hehe don blame me i dont really know how to do tags =(

money, money, money....

2009-02-28T15:19:00.003+08:00

money is such an important "tool" in our lives without it life is just difficult, doable but difficult. i recently got my full pay from working a full month. of course work wasn't easy but the satisfaction you get when you get the money is like a child in an amusement park, at least to me it is =). how money can bring so much "colours" into my life is just so incredible. to some ppl money is not very important. maybe because they didn't had much hard time finding them. and to some its just as important as everything else because without money there isn't any food nor there will be clothing and shelter. i don't really know why money is that important to me. maybe because i am always deprived of my needs and i always have desire that are hard to fulfill. for some they can always impressed their parents and they will get what they want as a reward. i have never had that apportunity since UPSR. since then, my family had alot of financial and also family crisis. so to fulfill my wants and needs i usually save or work for it. this is the reason why my decisions may defer compared to others my age. but now that i have worked, i don't blame my dad for not supplying things that other kids might have because i know how hard it is to get money. as i said i just got my full pay (only my friends will know how much..heheh) now wats left in the bank is less then 15% of the pay. thats how fast money could go. i had to pay alot of things and that's how i know life is not as easy as it looks.

ps: here's some of the things i spent my cash on....ice cream!!!!!!!!!

no reason....

2009-02-09T08:29:00.004+08:00

....went out with danica after work. was supposed to stay at home but we ended up going to pyramid together. took us almost half an hour to actually find a parking that day and finally we got 1 in the rooftop. then we head on to shops hoping that we could find something to buy but we failed to do so. then we have a sudden crave for sushi so headed to SAKAE and these are some of the dishes we had....we were so full that we had to pack some of it...

then out of our expectations... when we're about to get into the car at the rooftop, we were stop by the security. at first we were very confused and danica even said maybe someone died. but actually that was't the case. the rooftop was used as a platform to release the fireworks. this is the first time i saw a fireworks show right infront of my face. so here's a vid of it... so i can say that out day ended with a bang!!!

picnic???? fun....

2009-02-07T08:06:00.002+08:00

ytd i went out with my friends for dinner at piccadilly's ( if i didn't spell it wrongly) and it was great. besides the fact that we are always fun to hang with but the food was great too. i had the best carbonara that i have ever eaten there. 1 thing bad about that place is that the food comes very slowly. maybe its cause by the packed restaurant. as usual after the outing was coming to an end. we planned for the next one because most of them will be outstation for a very long time and it will be awhile before we get to see each other again after this. so guess where is our next outing going to be??? ITS AT THE ZOO NEGARA!!!!!!!!!! how fun is that. you get to be in a zoo with your friends just chillin out and after that we will be going to have a picnic in taman tasik titiwangsa. just the sound of it makes me jumping inside. its sounds so 'ang mo' like with the picnic and the zoo outing. cant wait to go and i will try to get photos and upload it on my blog... so for now i just have to wait... cheers...!

stupid callers...

2009-02-04T23:09:00.002+08:00

today was a very bad day at work. 90% of my calls are complaints and enquiries. the thing that bugs me the most is they talk alot when they only need to tell me the main problem and what is the outcome they wish. instead, they wanna tell their grandma's stories then only tell the problem. those calls really hurt my AHT(average handling time). higher AHT means lower commisions. its bad enough that i don't have enough sales, my AHT is so high that it doesn't really matter if i have any sales or not.

then there was a caller, an australian, thinks that he was the king of the world. just because is ang mo, that doesn't give him the right to scream or curse at other ppl. they themselves are rude but they keep saying that other ppl are rude to them. and they can't understand english for goodness sake. what is so hard to understand a sentence that has been repeated to you for over 10 times... IDIOT... i hate those kind of callers..

despite all that, i still have some sales for today and my day at work ended in a high note when my last 2 calls are sales calls and they were very nice. i hate talking to australian guys!!!! just reinforcing my point that australian guys are very rude.... hope i have a better day tmr..

working life...

2009-01-31T13:17:00.004+08:00

have been working for a few weeks now.. starting to get a hang of the culture of the work place. made friends with some of the seniors and just felt more like home at work. unfortunately, the system is going to be change just when we're getting use to the old one. which means we have to start all over again from scratch. starting from next week our batch of trainees will be separated into 2 groups and we will soon be under different TL. i sure hope that we stay as close as before but i doubt that will happen. just the same as school when we say stay friends forever and after that we couldn't be bothered about others. so this weekend will be a long off for me as i am going to start work on tuesday only. so i can just rest and hope that i am still ok with the system=) its been awhile that i haven't blog, i felt like i have lost the touch or passion to blog.. but i will still blog and find the lost passion and keep updating my blog as much as i can... anyways take care and all the best in life~!!!!!

shopped for 3 days!!!

2009-01-27T22:55:00.003+08:00

went out to shop in various places for 3 days straight... such as summit, pyramid, sungai wang and times square. bought a few things that i have long for. like shoes and bag... here are a pic of things i have bought. although simple but i am satisfied.. spent almost RM300 on all the things but i think its worth it..

Just bought the bag today actually... went out with Eugene and Ryan today. Was initially suppose to buy things from either "lalaland" or "lalaworld" in human language is times square or sungai wang.. but there isn't anything there to buy so we head on back to sunway pyramid. walked for almost a day and i just got myself a bag.. quite sad when come to think of it..

most of the shops in times square and sungai wang was closed due to cny so there's nothing much to see... but there is 1 incident that got Ryan and i laughing..as we walked pass the "market" area in the centre of sungai wang, there's this indian lady buying t-shirts for her son or someone else.. then suddenly she just walk to eugene and measure the shirt on eugene as if he was her son or grandson or wtv.. and eugene cant do anything but to just stand and let her do so...hahah... it was hilarious and she even spoke like as though she was asking eugene if he likes it... damn freaking funny la... so thats all that happened today..

Happy Chinese new Year!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-26T00:18:00.002+08:00

happy chinese new year ppl... may you have a healthy and prosperous life ahead... be well!!!!!!!

after 2 weeks of work

2009-01-24T10:02:00.002+08:00

at first i thought this was the best place to work. cool ppl that dont judge you, cool place where everyone is friendly and good environment. but after 2 weeks i realize that ppl are still ppl even if they're in another place. there will be back-stabbing, bitching around and even verbal discrimination. obviously i am 1 of the victim that's y i am claiming this fact ( duh..) its ok if they want to talk about someone but to me there's a certain limit to it. this is not high school where the bitch is always bitching around and bullying the nerds and the jocks bullying the geeks. i just feel really uncomfortable with some of them now. thats 1 of the reason that make me so freaking tired at work ( bad aura..) next week we'll be assigned to a new group, a smaller one. i just hope that i don't end up in the same group as 'them'.

about work there's nothing much. this 2 weeks is just for us to learn about the system and the product. and basically we learnt a bit and we talked alot... it was fun despite all that negative things. but from next week on its going to be work work work...! so wish me luck....hahaha

first day!

2009-01-13T00:15:00.002+08:00

went to work for the first day... it wasnt really work. it was just a "orientation" and a get along with ppl session. basically we heard the CEO datin Mona. it was quite boring for me, the talk, but some may think its inspiring. then we played some name game and just talked alot with the others. it was really fun as it wasn't even working. the more interesting is that we are needed to wear our pyjamas to work tmr. I was shocked when i heard that. i mean you're supposed to work not slp so why ur pj's man. but who bothered asking. we are all wearing our pj's whether we like it or not. It is weird but cool at the same time. Its like we're in college or uni where they have themed-days. so looking forward to see everyone in their pj's. i think i will see more things than usual tmr, if u know wat i mean....hahhaa.

sweet...

2009-01-06T23:21:00.003+08:00

My 19th bday will be one of those that will stay in my heart for a very very long time. Nvr in my life that most of my friends and family members wished me. I felt so touch when i received all that sms-es and calls from almost everyone. I was seriously happy.. As for my dad, not 1 bday he wouldn't quarrel with me. Though i hope it will one day change but its no biggy. There's 1 down-side to this bday, I was sick after lunch with my friends till now. only now i have a little strenght to go online check my mails and update my blog. To those who i didn't reply the msges i am so sorry but i really am unable to do so. That's all..try to keep it short due to my lack of health...see ya ppl..

Last day being 18....

2009-01-02T00:08:00.002+08:00

I was often asked "what do i want for my bday?" or " how do i wanna celebrate my bday?". I am sure most of u get these questions too.

Having gone through so many things, the most precious and important thing to me is life. In other words, anything for my bday would make me happy because i already have the best thing which is life. Of course there are things (objects) that i would love to have but it won't meant much to me. At least not more than memories, friendship, and other life-related things. So for those who are planning to get me something or even got me something, it doesn't really matter what the present is because i will be happy receiving it. The thought of ppl buying me presents could have been the best gift i can have. For those who aren't getting me anything, its fine. A simple wish would be enough to put a smile on my face.

As for how to celebrate, a simple gathering (happy one) would have been enough. Spending time with family and friends would meant the world to me. Relationship to me is more important than fancy parties. That's why i always try to get my friends together at one gathering where i can spend time with all of them ( at least most of them) but if cant then i will settle for the best. Just a simple and happy life is what i ask for in 2009.

Cant wait for my bday. Hopefully no anger involved through out the day!!!!!!!!

Gonna work soon.... Yay!!!!!

2008-12-31T22:37:00.002+08:00

Went to an interview on monday. Turned up late at the office because weren't really familiar with PJ. Despite all that, I got a job. I will be working in PJ starting from 12 of JAn. Its a contact center called SalesForce. The environment there is really nice. everyone seem to be happy all the time and friendly too. All i got to do is just sit my butt down for 8 hours and just talk on the phone. Sounds easy but its not. We are estimated to received at least 70 calls in a day. When i heard that i was like... WHAt!!!!! but come to think of it, It's a contact center so its suppose to be like that. Besides, i will be working with my friends and hopefully know more cool and friendly ppl. Thats it about my job, i will add once i start working.

P.s. I wanna thank Ryan Lim for introducing me to this job and i am very blessed.

it's just not right....

2008-12-28T22:42:00.003+08:00

since my last post, everything has been turning worse. i have had interviews turned bad.

I went to 1 interview in celebrity fitness for the consultant post. I personally felt that the interview is just a waste of time. She, the manager, kept asking irrelevant questions such as " why is my results for maths is A and yet my add maths i got c?" and she also kept making assumptions like i will be working for a very short term and also the fact that i am an egoistic man. I felt so angry when being interviewed by her. To add to my frustration i had to talk to her, basically repeating the same things, for almost an hour.

It is just so hard to find for a decent job nowadays. I have sent out my resumes and yet i didn't get any call-back from any of the companies. This coming tuesday, we'll be going for an interview in PJ. I do hope that i get the job and hopefully that the pay is good. I feel so tired from all this looking-for-job thing. Sigh......

Some of you may know that my birthday is just around the corner. But i don't really feel that excited about it. Some of my friends have planned a sleepover and just a full day of fun, just a few of us. That's not the problem. The thing is my dad is making a big fuss. to him i should be at home for my birthday and just wait for the family dinner. Why can't i just go out with my friends before that. It's not like i am going to abandon my family. After trying to reason with him so quite awhile then he said ok as long as i am on time for dinner. Then i feel a little better. Another thing that is at the top of my mind is that i have too many groups of friends that don't get along. Which means i have to devide my time to celebrate with all of them. Even though some of them don't mind, but i just feel bad that some of them have to celebrate with me later or even on another day. Sometimes i feel like having a birthweek instead of a birthday..hahah ( how i wish..)

Whatever it is, I do hope that every single plan/party/outing that my friends have planned for me is bless and just go as plan.

P.s. I would like to say thank you to all my friends for all the christmas wishes and blessings.

Christmas Is Here!!!!!!!

2008-12-24T22:57:00.003+08:00

yesterday went to 3 interviews and guess what.... i was offered all 3 jobs. But there is a downside to that news. i am not going to accept any of them. Why? because they're paying me too low so i am still on a hunt for jobs=)

Christmas is coming and i dont really feel that it's Christmas. This year my family just don't have the mood to celebrate. we are going to church and all but there isn't any festive mood. Even so, i have received 2 presents already from my dad and my aunt Liz.

Received this from dad... it cost RM6300

received this from aunt..It's cufflings flown from Hong Kong
Dunno how much it cost... too expensive to handle =P

Hopefully the xmas spirit will come tmr... anyways my friends will be having a gathering this weekend. I do want to attend it on time... i can't confirm but just to try my best. To EVERYONE may you and your loved ones have a very merry Christmas and a happy NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

nervous...=(

2008-12-22T23:00:00.003+08:00

finally after weeks being jobless, a chance for me to be hired has come. Obviously its just a chance not a confirmed thingy.

Today, i was checking the Classified for any vacancies that are around Subang or anywhere nearby. Then i saw this ad wanting customer service consultant. After thinking for awhile, i just called up to ask about the job. Without any chances of asking what i wanted to ask, i was ask to go for the interview tomorrow. the only thing the lady ask me is my age and my whereabouts.

i called Danica right after i hang up. We were planning to get jobs together. Then i called Ryan Lim and told him about it too =) Danica came over in the evening and discuss with me about the job vacancy. KNowing me, a blurr kid, she didn't get much info out of me. So i guess she is going to call the office again tomorrow morning to ask for the info.

I am actually quite nervous because this is actually the first time i am attending an 'official' interview. Hopefully i do well in it. I sure hope that they will need more than 1 worker... hehe.
Anyways, wish us luck!!!!! =p

my holidays (so far)

2008-12-20T00:26:00.004+08:00

i recently returned from Kuching and i felt like as if i have been there for ages. It was fun being here(Subang) again because i miss my friends so much. Even so, i didn't have the chance to meet up with all of them yet. was suppose to search for job but was too busy with other stuff. Hopefully i will complete my CV latest by sunday so i could send it to potential employers.

i just came back from Time Squarre, and i felt as though i came back from china or japan. Its seriously 'lala' to the max. all the stuff there is similar no matter what shop you go in to. i went there to watch the caroling performed by my fellow friends. it was really nice even though not much audiences supported but to me it really was a success. Too bad i don't have any photos. so practically that's my life after STPM so far. hopefully it will change for the better.

happiest day of my life?? not at all!!!!!!!

2008-12-04T14:40:00.003+08:00

today is my last day of exam. i was very happy at that moment when i passed up the exam papers and i see smiles everywhere. but actually i wasn't as happy (today) as i thought i am.

was supposed to hang out with my classmates/friends after the exam for the whole day. everything was planned way earlier even before the STPM exam started. But i have to spoil everything. I couldn't make it last minute because of some family matters to attend to. so i told ryan that i can't go. then sam and danica also bail out from that since i can't go then they rather go have lunch somewhere just the 2 of them. actually the plans includes PY but she had other plans since the original outing was canceled. i felt so bad because of me, the whole world can't have fun as it was planned to be.

then earlier today, after the exam, sam dropped me home and i was fine. then when i reach the doorstep of my house, my brother asked me to help him type a letter to hand to a legal firm. from typing letter to delivery and faxing. i thought today i could relax and just chill but who am i kidding. if my life can be that relax then its not RAYMONDO's life. since i started helping my brother, then i thought, might as well just finish it without complains. but my dad had to add 'oil' to the raging anger in me. i was suppose to go to the shoop to fax by myself but my dad had to make such a big fuss and keep nagging. then fine i went with him even though both of us don't even know that place. so it's like the blind leading the blind. finally i found the place and did all that i have to do.

i just thought, why is my life so miserable. i cant even have fun for a day after my exams? why? no one can answer that... all i could do is just to express my feelings in my "faithful" blog. tonight was suppose to go clubbing. hopefully all that was invited to join can make it (including me) i doubt that i will have any mood for it but i will try to have fun and release all my stress tonight. Never really thought that i will have such day after exam. this is the first time that i felt so sucky after exam. not during spm or pmr.... sigh...

P.s. to those who just finished their spm and stpm..have fun and enjoy to da max..!!!

1more paper!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-02T22:44:00.002+08:00

today i took my business paper2. quite tough but i sure pray that i can pass this paper. Just cant wait to finish STPM and just have fun. i will be going back to Kuching on the 6th and will come back on the 16th. hopefully i will have fun there and just relax after the exam =) still couldn't believe that i am going to finish STPm already. After this wat would i do? maybe i will find a job and just live on. i felt that this 1 and a half year has been filled with lots of emotional events and has brought some of us closer than we could ever imagine. and i am happy with that... so thanks to all my friends for being so supportive and i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.s. pls keep in touch bcoz i don wanna lose such great friends...;P

disappointed...=(

2008-11-26T23:14:00.002+08:00

finally i am half way from finishing STPM.. yesterday i sat for my business paper. This was 1 of the paper that i was quite worries about besides PA and History2. But it turned out quite fine.

today was the real challenge for me. HIstory 2 and economics in the same day. i thought my knowledge for econs would be enough for me to get at least a B. Instead of struggling for history, i struggled for econs. maybe it was because of the lack of time or even caused of over confidence. I was very very disappointed that i didn't do as well as i could have done better for that paper. anyhow, what's done is done and there is no point for me to keep on being sad or disappointed about it. Just wanna speak(write) it out.

P.s. For those who plan to study in form 6 in the future please think twice or maybe 3 times because it may stress you like ****

glimpse of hope....

2008-11-19T16:43:00.002+08:00

just sat for my history paper. To me, this is the easiest STPM can get. All this while i have been doing well for this paper which is history 1. And frankly, i only have confidence in this paper. Even though i have confidence, it doesn't mean that i can get an A. i just hope that the scores of this paper could help me pass my history paper because i am very bad at my second paper (which covers a whole lot of things). Actually i am quite glad that PA was that tough. It made me realize that nothing is free in this world. I have to work hard in order to make it easy. So from now on, i will be concentrating for every single paper that i am going to sit for and pray for the best. All i could do now is just to do my best and just wait...

P.s. Ryan Lim, good luck for your acc paper tomorrow...!

bad start....=(

2008-11-18T23:14:00.002+08:00

Today is the first day for me in taking my STPM exam. Today's paper is PA2 and it really sucks. To others it may be easy but to me it was very challenging. Even so, i tried to fill every section with answers. Just trying my luck actually. After the paper, most of us were quite upset and couldn't even talk about it But as for sam and i, we were practically surrendering to faith ( that's all we can do now ). when i came back, being the stupid me, i went and check the book for the pie chart that was supposed to be the answer for the exam question and guess what.. i found the correct answer ( i won't tell because i don't want to spoil the mood of those who did it wrongly as i did) so my mood was certainly change to worst. Then i tried preparing for tomorrow's paper, history, but all i could do is just read and be faithful that i will remember the answers. I will update about my paper tomorrow as for now i cant really say if i am ready or not =(

2008-11-16T22:51:00.002+08:00

yesterday my aunt from UK came back here and we met up. It has been so long that we have not meet. we were all happy to see each other and my aunt brought me something from UK:

this bar of choc is good...

this is a necklace...not bad...

My aunt say that's not all but i will have to wait for the cargo to arrive here in Malaysia first. So excited just thinking of presents as if it is Christmas again...haha.

Today, exactly 2 days before i start STPM, i still feel as if i have finished my exams already. I don't even feel the stress to study. Though i felt a little guilty. MY bro and i went to Sunway today and we went to shop but we only bought a few books in the end. Then we got caught in the rain and because of that we only reached home at around 7. I even played PS for 3 hours today...look at me... i really want to study but i just don't have the urge to do so. haih.... anyways...all the best to those taking SPM and STPM... GAMBATEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

supper....ooo....

2008-11-11T23:38:00.001+08:00

just came back from supper. It was a great experience. We (ryan lim, sam, danica and i) went on a unplanned supper 'date'. Cool... We ate at mcd and talked obviously. Sam paid for my meal as a "give" for me passing my driving test. Thanks Sam... Then after we got bored of ,cd so we went to have some "lok-lok" food. Its like steamboat but its a moving steamboat "restaurant". I think that will be the last time we go to that particular lok-lok place because the owner was so rude towards us especially towards sam. So ya thats about it. I had fun even though it was just a short meeting. Maybe because of exam stress or just because we didn't meet each other for a long time... anyways..take care ppl. i would be busy studying after this ( in God's will) =)

Finally...After several upset...

2008-11-10T22:44:00.002+08:00

I am finally legal to drive...but i wasn't super happy about it though. Maybe its because i have tried so many times and failed. Plus, the part that i failed is the part that most people don't fail. At least not for twice. Anyway i am still glad that i finally got it over and done. Its funny how i can pass my road test on my first test and yet i failed those "simple" stuff. I guess all this have train me to be more stable mentally. I think...

here are tips from me to pass:
1) Drink a lot of water so that u stay calm
2) Try to keep your test date to yourself so that no added pressure
3) Make sure you remember the steps and just be cautious
4) Pray hard ( if you have faith)
5) Just don't think too much before you go for your test ( just follow the flow)

Thats all i can say. i can't really say much because i failed twice myself. But these 5 steps really helped because these are the things i did today in order for me to pass...haha.

* to all my friends, sorry for not telling you. I just felt that it would help if i didn't tell you all first.HOpe you all understand ;P

i just can't do it!!!!!!!!

2008-10-30T23:18:00.002+08:00

I envy some people who have such close relationship with their parents. As for me, its a total opposite. I cant really remember the last time i had a decent conversation with either of them. My mum as some of you might know has left the family. So i don't really see her that much. So i guess the bond is not there anymore. Every time we talk on the phone or meet up, I just have nothing to talk to her about and sometimes i get really frustrated with her questions very quickly.

As for my dad, all loyal readers should know, i don't even have a relationship. We bicker almost everyday. The only times we don't quarrel or get on each others nerves are during meals and when we are asleep. Other than that, its world war. Some of you may think that i should be grateful that i have a dad to talk to or even to see. Because some unfortunate people don't even have parents to shout at. But seriously, i am not trying to exaggerate stories or anything. Its just that me and my dad share such a bizarre relationship that no one would understand. Just today we upset each other just because my brother asked me to help him lead his friends to the house. My dad obviously had to shout and make it so hard to get out from the house. its not that i am going to SERDANG or JOHORE to lead them, its just USJ 12 and its freaking near. And that also he wants to scream and act as if i am going to hell's gate. I really don't know what he wants from me. i tried telling him how i felt about him treating me so. I even tried to be patient and just ignore every negative vibe from him. Nothing works. I am not trying to talk bad about him or anything, just want to vent out my feelings in my own blog. If you ( the readers) think my actions are immoral you can always leave comments in my 'taggy'.

Whenever i go to my friends house, i feel there's something different there. I can feel that they have a different relationship with their parents compared to what i have. Thats why sometimes i would rather go out even though i am running low on revenue but at least i am not destroying my life with all the anger and frustration. Some of my friends even asked me,"how come your always out. And if not you will be sleeping at home??" so here's your answer. I just feel that we are not improving our relationship with what we have done so far and certainly, i can't find any ways to do so. i don't know what else i can do, but to leave house as soon as i can.

Why can't i live alone???

2008-10-26T22:51:00.002+08:00

i have always ask myself this question. I know everyone need some company but why do i need it all the time. Why do i rely on another person so much?

I grew up a loner without my siblings and parents. From young i have been raised by my aunt and usually i will just follow her around and have no one to talk to.Since i moved back with my family, i have been sad. Not because i am living a hard life or anything like that but i just felt so left out. My siblings wouldn't bother much about me because we didn't have the sibling bond since young. And as for my parents, they were too busy making money so we could live on. Frankly, if you ask any of my parents about me they wouldn't now much.

Since i started school, friends have been my company. I grew to be quite sociable since i am in primary. Initially that was because i need my own group to survive school life. You know how it is in school where there are the cool gang and also the not-so-cool gang. Until this very moment i am still like that. In school i will have to have some close friends to keep me company. Here's the catch. How long more i can rely on them? Months...years...? I myself do not know that.

i really hate the fact that i have to rely on someone to live on. The truth is i always have some trust issues with people. This is because i have been hurt so many times by my friends. Therefore, it's a little difficult to earn my trust. So far there are some friends that i really trust ( you know who you are) and some whom i don't trust fully yet. Some people said teachers are "parents" in school. I personally think that teacher ( some) only know how to judge and have perceptions about us. I really hate that about them. Teachers often sees me as a happy, care-free kind of person. And so they make some speculation about me without even know my true self. That's the reason why i don't trust teachers(most).

I really want to learn how to live on my own. I easily get frustrated when people don't understand what i am saying or just take me for granted. I know i am a person that is easy to make use of. when you don't have a friend, there's always Raymondo around to accompany you. Sometimes i just want to live alone. In that case i won't be able to hurt anyone and no one can hurt me. Almost everyday now i will quarrel with someone, regardless of family or friends. I don't want that anymore. People often misunderstand and thinks that i hurt them on purpose. But they do not know what they did in the first place that got me really aggitated. I just can't wait to have my own "wings" and live on my own. Of course i will still meet up with friends and family but i just don't want to meet them( those who hurt me) everyday.

MPT 5&6

2008-10-25T22:40:00.004+08:00

Finally the night most of us have waited for so long...PROM. We had a blast..even though there are a little flaw but we can foresee that and just ignore it. The whole night was great and very memorable and so much fun. As for the food, it was just fine and the portion was really small. So none of us actually had enough food. even if there are enough food i don't think there's time because we were too busy taking pictures and just chit chatting with our friends. Not forgetting the wonderful performances arranged. I don't really know how else to describe the prom. here are some pictures that we have taken that night, there are more but i don't have it =(

first pic in the ballroom

danica, sam, pn. viani and mua...

sam and i

me, sam and yee sing ( my lou kong...hehe)

usha and i

the group with pn fong...everyone look so happy

we went back quite early but we didn't miss out alot. went back home and was really tired but i still went for a drink with Y.K.W. then came back home and slept like a baby....hehe

history workshop...!!!

2008-10-24T15:06:00.006+08:00

here are some of the pics of teams preparing for their presentation...at least some is preparing...hehe.. and as for some...posing...walking around disturbing others and just doing nothing....

here are some of the vids of the presentation...some really funny ( atleast to us la...its an inside joke...) some boring( u can see how boring it is)..some too long (but i cut it short) so just bare with it...sorry i cant upload all the vids as time is too short for me to upload all...(so if ur vid not here don terasa)

overall the workshop was fine..though not many people turned up but its fine..we had our laughs and some bicker...actually thats me and sam...in the beginning but now its fine already..i hope...so now i am off to prepare myself for prom tonight...don wanna screw anything up..atleast i hope not...

26 more days!!!

2008-10-23T22:43:00.002+08:00

STPM is so near man....

anyways MPT (prom) is tmr and everyone is just so focused on looking good for it. At first danica and i wanted to just wear the saree and kurta to the MPT but then she decided not too so i will not too. i borrowed a blazer from Azman. it look quite nice but i havent actually put all my outfit together though. i can just imagine after tmr everyone will be so busy studying and all.

i juts cut my hair today. it is quite short now. hopefully it look nice tmr and i don embarass myself..hehe. anyways there's no pic for this post. hopefully there are some from my prom and i will upload it here. for now thats all...

Spoiler!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-16T22:49:00.002+08:00

my day started off just fine. went to driving centre and had 2 full hours of driving. and i had improved since my last lesson but i don't know will it be enough to pass my test which is on monday. when i came home i was just so tired so i tried taking a nap but it didn't happen. i just cant check in to dreamland...sigh...

then later in the afternoon i told my dad about the dinner plan to celebrate sam's bday and he kept asking me why must i go? why am i invited? and all that nonsense questions. come on i am sam's friend that's y i am invited..duh!!!!!!!! then he just ignored me and don't let me go to any outing including sam's bday celebration and the LOUD concert.. such a spoiler. he has never fail to make my life a living hell man. i don't get it why must he treat me like that. i want to go out with my friends and he don't let me. i want to go to my friends house and he don't let me. i might as well don't have any social life at all by all means.. i am very pissed at how he treated me since last year. i am so overwhelmed by it right now that i am speechless.. just can't wait to have my own life!!!!!!!!!!

Happy bday SAMMIX!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-16T00:53:00.002+08:00

Just came back from giving a big surprise to Sam. We expected her to tear a little but she didn't. i guess she was too shocked that we came to her house in the middle of the night. All the ignoring and making her angry has paid off. Hope she is happy with wat we can give her.

She was half way sleeping in her PJs and we woke her up with a surprise. This is the first time i actually surprise someone this way. Sorry no pic because lighting not too good for my phone to snap any pics. Will post some photo about the bday outing on friday(hopefully)

Happy Bday Pn Salawatty!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-15T23:41:00.002+08:00

Pn Salawatty....

her cake...bought it last min...

classmates after the celebration...

The whole day we didn't study at all...just play games and foolinf around...hahahah

look at these 2 with their face....

i wonder wat is so funny....

JObleSS...

2008-10-13T22:58:00.002+08:00

Remember i blogged about the job in Genting...its off. Just got to know about it today. All this while we practice and waste all the time for nothing. But some of us are trying to get some other small job or even just sing for fun in shopping complex and such. I really felt it was such a waste. there's no point being sad or even disappointed about it anymore because we cant do anything else. So wish us luck in getting another job!!! BUt seriously i don't really feel like doing it anymore. I felt that me leaving choir live is a good move. Now getting myself into it again, not really that fun. Luckily my friends are going through it with me. At least we have laughs together...

how close!!!

2008-10-13T15:41:00.002+08:00

SPTM is just around the corner. I knew it was close but didn't realize that it was that close. This whole week, the form 6 students are given a week break but my class was called back because of our trials results. It was horrendous!!! So we have to attend extra classes to help us improve our grades. Actually it was not as bad as it may sound. The teachers were not so stressed up as usual so they were really friendly and the sessions were quite fun.

Classes, breaks and chitchats..that's normal in our class but today something really shocking happen. The classes were held in the SAL room since our normal classroom was locked-up. Then there were this librarian girl there with us because she was incharged of that room for the day. She was only form 2 and guess what she did?? She watched PORN with the computers there. The more shocking thing is that she did it beside our teacher and she is not scared at all. I guess she was really horny that she can't wait any longer for her PORNO SESSION.

That's all... today was a very short day. And oh ya... HAPPY BDAY IZZATI ALYAA!!! ALL THE BEST IN LIFE!!!

2008-10-11T23:09:00.002+08:00

just watched the show....hehe

I have been finding excuses for me to wear my contact lenses. So today i went out with Y.K.W. to summit for bowling and just to walk around. So i wore my contacts of course. And i went and bought some saline solution for myself since i don have any. Plus i don want to waste all my multi-purpose solution everytime i rinse my lenses.

In summit, we saw the dog show. As in a doggy competition where the dogs and trainers compete in different categories to win prizes ( for those who don't know). It was quite fun but of course not as good as what we see in tv. I even saw Zhao Hui in summit with his bro. then we ate at the hainanese shop. The owner even gave us 5% discount just because he wanted us to eat there. The food was fine but don't be fooled by the pictures...

I am feeling very comfortable with my contacts now, not so irritated by it anymore. But because of this, i started using eye drops. My eye get dry quite easily with that "plastic" in my eye...hehehe....

faced another Phobia!!!!

2008-10-10T22:42:00.003+08:00

today i have faced 1 on my fears..putting on contact lenses. Actually i have put it on b4 i bought it but today i finally wore it. My friends will know how much i hated putting things in my eye and i don't get the point of putting on contact at first. But then i really wanted to try and face my phobia at the same time. So i bought it and i am planning to wear it on prom night.

this is the pack

and this is how it looked like still in the vacuumed pack

it took me quite some time to actually put it on as i am so new and still a little scared. I even got frustrated and felt like just throwing it away. But after a while i just pulled myself together and made it. After the first eye, the second one was easier. I really really wanted to give up at first. After putting it on i felt so weird like as if i am in a dream or something because my vision was foggy. Once i got used to it i felt so comfortable and i actually like it. But i have to be really really patient when putting it on.

this is before...

and after.....nice?

i didn't want to go for exotic eye colour because i am not so brave... so i went for brown which is more natural...so... thats all for today..quite a good accomplishment right..hehehe

Twins Bday!!!!!!!!

2008-10-06T23:15:00.003+08:00

the ppl that went.....

was suppose to blog about this yesterday bcoz the twins' Birthday was yesterday but i had some problems so i cant blog yesterday. At first we wanted to surprise them at Domino's ( where they worked) but due to late arrival, the surprise was given away by hana who waited super long for us to reach.

After that we went to Station 1 to have dinner together. There's this waitress, she was so funny to laugh at. I know i am being mean but yea...thats me. Forget the waitress la..not worth writing about. After dinner we had a cake and we chatted for quite awhile before we played "stack the tower" or some may call it "Jengga".

look at her...trying to stay calm...

After so long playing that game...look at how high it was stacked up....

Then finally...the tower came crashing down. I forgot who was the 'culprit' that made the tower fall....
but it was really fun hanging with friends just doing anything.... even though it's "stack the tower".. hopefully we have more of these times and just enjoy each other... anyways today, school was at it's worst time. it was so boring and i felt like as if it was a full day already by the end of school...it was the most boring day of my school life... tata...

Selamat HAri Raya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-01T23:56:00.002+08:00

Just wanna wish you guys a happy Raya!!! so so sorry if i couldn't make it to the open houses... just too busy lately..anyways..enjoy your lemang, ketupat and rendang.....!!!

2008-10-01T01:00:00.003+08:00

This morning, woke up at 6 am just to get ready for my driving lesson. I thought the lesson will last for 2 hours but instead it only lasted for 1. I just went around usj 11 area where there are a lot of speed bumps. It was okay. I enjoyed it but wasn't really into it like i think i am supposed to. After driving, i came straight to bed. Slept for 3 hours and i felt so fresh after that.

In the evening, my bro asked me to pass something to him. We were suppose to meet at Mentari's McD at 4.30. As soon as i have reached i sms-ed him and told him that i have arrived. I ordered some fries and let time just fly by. But the weird thing is i am being watched by people. At first i didn't bother aboout them watching me but then it got weirder. I thought that there might be something wrong with the way i looked or something that triggers them to look at me like that. I went to the gents right away just to check if there are anything wrong. There is nothing weird about me. There was this couple each of them kept looking at me (one at a time). The weirdest thing about that couple is that the guy is the one that can't take his eyes of me. I am sure that the girl will one day regret dating that guy (haha..if u know wat i mean..)

Then after 1 hours my brother came. He was late and yet he still has the guts to scold me. But the thing about me today is that i was so patient. I don't really know why but i didn't snap at anyone today. Right after passing the things to him i went to the field to play with my friends. so that's all that happen today. Quite a nice day today, i loved it.

woo hoo...!!!

2008-09-29T23:15:00.002+08:00

This weekend i watched 3 movies, went out for dinner with Y.K.W. and i had so much of laughter. The DVDs i watched are Wall-e, Kung FU Panda, and Love Guru. Among these three, i liked Kung fu panda the most. I don't get love guru, maybe its just me. And Wall-e is a little bit boring and i find it very slow paced. Overall, i was pleased that finally i got to watch all these movies.

We had dinner at "The BIg 3". a place where they serve 'satay celup'. Its a kind of steamboat where the soup is replaced by peanut sauce. The peanut sauce was ok but we had enough of the food sooner then we thought we would. I won't recommend this place to anyone because i personally felt that it wasn't good enough for me to spread around.

Today was suppose to go for choir practice but it was canceled. So some of us decided to go for a drink at any place nearby. those who turned up are Ivan, Chris, Lindley, Jane and i. We had so much fun laughing and telling silly tales. We even learnt French from Chris. Not exactly the proper conversation but we did learn something from him. Its just so funny to hear Ivan and myself speak French.

I think this holiday is going to be a very boring one. Judging from the start of it, i cant see any chance of me having an interesting week. Even so, i am still looking forward to changes that will make me take those words back. For now, that's all... bye...

Memories....

2008-09-27T22:57:00.002+08:00

finally i got to play volleyball with my juniors again. Not forgetting Marcus. We had so much fun because it has been a long time since we have played together. Due to my aging body, i was dead tired after the game. I couldn't believe myself that i was so tired. Usually, i can play for hours and still feel fresh. I felt so young just now when i was with my juniors. All that jokes, laughter and teasing. really missed the moments that we use to have. Unfortunately, only a few of them could make it today. So it wasn't a 'full' gathering but no doubt still fun. I think i will play volleyball with them as often as possible with them but i also have to study. SIGH.....

stupid IDiots!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-26T02:32:00.002+08:00

I don't really know how are people so...how should i label them..? Self-centred or inconsiderate of others feelings. I don't get it. Why is it so hard that, for once, you take the first step or even just tolerate? I always have to care of what you would feel and i always have to go out of class to talk to you. Is it so hard for you to just take a few steps to come and talk to me. If you have something to tell me then walk to me and tell don't ask me to go to you like as if i am your slave. It's not i who have anything to say. Another thing, can you people just grow up. Just accept the fact that no matter how close you are to your friends, there's just a day that they will not have the mood to care. but that doesn't mean that they will not care anymore or they don't want to be friends no more. I have my own life too. I don't have the time to go and 'play' your type of games all the time. You want to act and find for sympathy and attention from others go ahead but i don't need that. JUst count me out on that. And if you all don't change i doubt that our friendship will last as long as we wanted it to. So long..bye.

Bloated!!!

2008-09-23T22:41:00.002+08:00

I am so full with all kinds of food today. Especially food from the Ramadhan Bazaar. From kebab to all kinds of munchies (all the 'kuih'). Actually i wanted to save the food that i bought for supper but my dad forced me to finish it before 8pm. So i stuffed myself with all the food and i feel so sick. I felt like i was going to throw up anytime. I tried to burp all the air to prevent myself from vomiting. You can just imagine how many times i have burped. Ok, cut the crap. Just wanted to tell that i am bloated and i had too much food in me today.

In school, everything goes on like usual. Ming Liong didn't come so most of us started to talk about him being a suck-up and also a back-stabber. Seriously he is such a back-stabber. I don't mind if you don't like someone and talked about that person. But in his case, he will just pretend to like you then once you leave and the story begins. I don't really care if he were to tlak bad about me because i talked bad about him too. The thing is, he pretended to be friendly to my classmates and then use them. I just feel pissed in behalf of them. They might not feel that its a big deal but i do.

Besides talking about that piece of ****, Sam and i went crazy in class and started to sing non-stop. Actually it started with Sam and Pei Yin. They sang about Danica' outing to pyramid. It was hillarious. The favourite song in our class now is "Ayat-ayat Cinta" by Rossa, at least for some of us. Music really is the universal language. It brought Sam and Sharmiza closer. They started to sing that song together and all that. Who would have thought that Sam would sing a malay song. This is my first time seeing her interested in malay songs.

STPM is in a few more weeks and yet we are so carefree. Teachers in school are even more stressed up than all of us. They are planning workshops and extra lesson to help us but we're just too tired of studying really. I personally think that they should just give us a break. I am so stressed when they pushed me like that. Why must i study for exams? how nice if i can just take the exams and score without putting any effort in studying. NAH, who am i kidding.

Trust?

2008-09-22T22:37:00.002+08:00

Some may think that the base to a relationship is trust and for some trust is just an element in a relationship. I personally feel that trust is really important to prolong one's friendship/relationship. Without it, there's no point having a relationship anymore. Recently, there are series of events that really tested my friendship with my friends that i thought were really close to me.

To me, the connection is no more there like how it was. Now we barely even talk and whenever we do talk it will end up in some kind of negative feelings in us, anger or boredom. We don't even have the common interest anymore and could care less about each other. I am sure it's not only me who felt all that but what can i do. The trust isn't there anymore. I sure hope that my friends live well in their lives but i think they have to do it without me in their lives. At least not 100%.

p.s. Qian we will miss you here. Have a safe trip there. hope to see you soon, there or here.

back at us!!!

2008-09-18T22:49:00.003+08:00

Today, i went to school like normal. but there's something unusual in class. Only 4 of us came. The 4 that skipped school the day b4. So the whole day we didn't have any studies and we spent all our time in the SAL room playing silly games like "sahiba" and " mind-challenge". We were practically bored to the max today.

Then i was wondering how am i going to go home since Sam isn't there. So i told Kwan that i will be following her back home. Apparently, Sam called MR. KAng to tell me that she is fetching me. If i wasn't wrong, i heard him saying that i need to call Sam if i don have transport home. Or maybe something else that meant the same as what i have said. Maybe there's just misunderstandings between us because we were to busy with our things at hand, me and my games he and his loitering (haha).

Anyways, in the end Sam came and picked me up and we went to a restaurant called "Bawang Merah". It is located all the way in SS 12 near SJMC. The food was fine but there are very limited choices of dishes there. Anyhow i had fun having lunch with Sam and Pei Yin.

Came back home, wanted to sleep straight away but i can't. I don't have any idea of the reasons that are causing me to stay awake even though i am dead tired. Maybe it's the weather condition which is too hot or something. I don't really know. Besides that, everything was fine. I finally got back on track with practice (choir) and learnt half of the latest song that we are scheduled to sing. That's all today...tc.

Again...hehe

2008-09-18T22:49:00.002+08:00

I skip school again today to have a badminton game with my friends. Actually we can go after school but too bad we chose not to follow school rules and just skip school haha. I woke up at 6.30 like usual and pretended that i will be going to school because i didn't tell my dad that i am not going to school. So i got the time to explore TAIPAN without the traffic. I had my breakfast at McD and i felt it was great. I actually planned to eat at Leo's CAfe but it is so freaking expensive and i have worked there before so i know how cheap is the cost. Therefore, i decided not to have my breakfast there.

Badminton was great. It proved to me that i need more exercises because i was so tired right after that. My stamina is clearly lower than average. But how am i suppose to get it back when i don't even have the time to have a brief walk or jog. sigh.... Anyways it was fun playing badminton with Eugene,Ryan, and Edre.

Then we head on for lunch in Old Town Kopitiam. Nothing really special happen there except the food that Eugene ordered is such a small portion. All of us was shocked when the food came to our table. That's just a lesson to all of us..not to order that anymore.

When i reached home, i thought that i can have a rest. But no... I had to call the supplier in behalf of my brother and negotiate prices of some tools. Everything went well but after that i just can't shut my eyes. I am dead tired but i can't seem to sleep, until now. Hopefully i can wake up tomorrow for school. That's all that happen today...

food!!!

2008-09-17T22:53:00.004+08:00

these are the special food i had for this week...check it out!

this is some swedish food prepared by Sam

mooncake...courtesy of Cindy and family

Didn't have much things to tell about the food, just thanks to those who gave and prepared them. Bye, tc.

take 2....

2008-09-14T22:38:00.003+08:00

i am so tired right now but i am still gonna blog about my day. My day is basically being divided into 2, driving talk and practical and also revising for macroeconomics.

I wasted half of the day being all the way in PJ for the driving thingy that i have to go through. It wasn't as bad as what people have said. In fact, it is quite nice. maybe its just my luck to get such fun instructor. My class only consist of 9 students in the class. There was one thing that annoyed me though. there was this boy in the class, he likes to ask question that really should not be ask. He is worst than my classmate, Esther. And he is so not well mannered. Just because there are lots of empty chairs it doesn't mean that he got to move them around and lay down along them during the lecture right. Besides that everything is fun. I got to drive today. At first i was a little scared, i hope its normal. And then i got the hang of it but still a little panicky when it comes to braking. I felt that the brakes of the car that i drove is really sensitive. i only needed to step abit and the whole car will stop immediately. I don't like that feeling, jerking in the car. i did the slop more than i could remember today. Hopefully i can do as well as i did today during the JPJ test. Knowing me, i doubt so. I will just panic and just lose it. hehe...

Came back home arounf 4 pm. And i was freaking exhausted. I tried to take a nap but i cant. Then i had to get dinner with my dad and then i headed straight to shower. Right after that losked myself in my room and TRIED studying. i did cover everything but i doubt i can remember them. I just hope that i can remember all the formulas tomorrow for the test. I am so stress because my body is very very fatique and i cant seem to remember what i have studied. So i am a bit frustrated with that. Just can't wait for my trials to be over. Then after my trials i have 1 very important thing to do. I hope i will make the right decision and i hope i do everything right... tata...tc

wow...! so boring....

2008-09-13T23:15:00.003+08:00

i just came back from the field. I went there with cindy, stan, and hong juin. The rest of them are the juniors froms my old school. It is the most boring lantern/mooncake/mid-autumn(wateva u wanna call it) festival ever. I mean not the people but its just boring. We (cindy,hong juin and i) lit up all the candles we could get our hands on and just fool around. Then after that, after all the candles are "bonded' with the pavement, we just sat there and look at each other. that's how boring it is. But then we had some games with the juniors its fun compared to staring. So that it...thats my wateva festival for this year. I feel bored even when i am blogging about it. Haih...going to slp soon...tomorrow got kursus have to wake up early...

THe dEMons ArE BAcK!!!

2008-09-12T23:00:00.002+08:00

just when i thought that my life couldn't get any worse, it did. My dad is being his old self again. My physical health is getting worse. My heart pain is back and i had several migraine attacks. I am super exhausted, mentally,physically and emotionally. people always say that if you don't want to be hurt, don't give any chances for anyone to hurt you anymore. So don't get involved in anything at all that might jeopardize your feelings. But me being the ignorant me, ignored that and get right back into relationship and involving myself into potential heart-breaker.For now, there is nothing i wish for but one thing. I just want my health back to normal. I didn't have these problems for 1 month plus now. BUt its back....

Shattered....=(

2008-09-12T16:27:00.003+08:00

today, my day started with a very bad 'note'. i don't even have the right mood to sit for my exam. I can't seem to comprehend all that has happened.

It all started yesterday after i read Sam's blog. She posted something that really upsets me. I was just trying to help and be a friend by telling her the truth. Who knows that she will misunderstand my point and just take it the wrong way. After reading her blog, i posted a comment about that post. I was very angry and disappointed with her words. Even though she didn't post it with my name, i know she meant me. From now on i will just keep the thoughts to myself. There's no point to tell your friends the truth if it hurts them so badly. Why do something that will get yourself hated.

Then i went to Y.K.W.'s house as i already promised earlier in the afternoon. Obviously i can't hide my feelings about the Sam incident. With my sour face i told everything that upsets me. Then we were fine until I started comparing my self to Y.K.W's friends (story was cut short..lazy to tell). After that we started being angry and i left angrily. It may seem that its my fault being an obnoxious person creating speculations about him. It may also look like as if we quarreled because of this other person in his life BUt truthfully i was very very jealous of Y.K.W's friends. They practically spend almost half a day with each other and only spend time with me afew hours in a week. I also contributes to that lack of meetings because i am bound by my house-rules and i am practically busy studying for my trials. Then i feel so left out from Y.K.W's life. Hello i am the BF here not the other friends. But frankly i don't feel that way. I feel like a second-hand-car, where you have to settle with it because you have no enough money to buy a brand new car. Just because there isn't any other plans then i will be called to accompany Y.K.W. Actually i feel this way towards my friends too. When they have no other friends to talk to or hang out, then they will call me or invite me to hang with them.

They(my other friends and Y.K.W) always say that they understand me. what they understand about me, that i am not sure. I really cant stand it. Then this morning the teachers were giving warnings to the whole school about leaving school early after exams. Then, some asshole from other class started blaming it on me. They started saying" ah..all your fault la" or " see they're talking bout you". That got me really angry and i can't even concentrate on the task at hand which is my trials. Everyone could see that i am very pissed at something. Being the usual Raymondo, the clown mask will be on from time to time. I just feel really down today. My usual daily nap also disrupted because of these incidents. Maybe i am destined to be a loner and just be with myself in my own world since everything i do is wrong.

business...why???

2008-09-11T22:41:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i wonder why did i take business as a field to study. I really don't understand business studies. For almost 2 years now and yet i can't seem to have business knowledge in my brain. today's paper really got the best of me. I only manage to answer 3 question and i left out 1 question. I really have no clue on some of the questions...so what i can do is just to crap it out using my common sense. Which apparently didn't help much. Tomorrow i am going to sit for the paper 2 of business. hopefully i will do much better than today. sigh....

Am i right or wrong???

2008-09-10T22:47:00.004+08:00

Today i sat for the microeconomics paper. It wasn't that tough but there are time that i am clueless and just count on luck to get the answer. Overall, i think i did okay. But there is 1 major confusion that happened. My GRAPH!!! It looks so obscene and i felt that i have not seen such graph in my life of studying economics. I really don't know what to do at that time. Should i redo or should i just hand it in and see if it is right? I did what i do best at difficult time, just count on luck. So this explains my title. SO am i right or wrong? I can only find out when the results are out...haih

Tomorrow i am having the worst paper that i have to sit for. At least for me it is. Business paper 1. I don't know why i just can't get business studies. For 2 years now i have been studying business and yet i can't seem to grasp on to it. I tried studying for 3 hours plus just now, but i just can't get it into my thick skull. Now i can only hope for the best and pass. This is all. Don't hope for any dramatic post for the trials 'season'. i will only post about how are my papers and my study stress. I don't blame you all for not wanting to read these posts but i just want it to be out of my system..So long...take care...

back on track....

2008-09-09T22:40:00.002+08:00

despite all the dramas yesterday, today is rather calm and normal. Had history paper today and it wasn't as hard as we would have predict. Considering that i didn't study and yet i manage to write something as my answer. Hopefully the results are as pleasing.

So today i handed the letter of apology to Pn Ung and this is what she said "i can't guarantee that this letter will help. even so, the chances are very slim". Actually we don't really care anymore since this morning and we just want to hand in the letter. After handing in the letter, we headed back to class and talk nonsense. None of us wanted to study for tomorrow's paper. All we could think of is just to relax.

On the way home, i realize that something is wrong with danica. I asked her and yet she refuses to tell. All that she said is that she's ok. but its so not her. Usually she will have a lot of stories to tell in the car and we will make a whole lot of noise in the car. what i can do now is just hope everything is fine with her.

besides that, nothing much happen. Just that late in the evening Sam came over to my house and gave a mooncake to me!!! Thanks Sam!! That's all. tomorrow i will be sitting for microeconomics and i hope to do well for that. So wish me luck!!! take care...

so much drama!!!!!!!!

2008-09-08T22:52:00.002+08:00

today's paper wasn't that difficult. In fact it is ok compared to the past paper. After we finished, Sam, PY, Danica and i decided to skip school since there isn't anything to do in school. So Sam and i went off first then followed by Danica and PY. But they got caught by the guard when there are about to step out from the school compoun. Then they are needed to write down their names and class in the record book. At first we didn't think it will make any diffirence writing in the book or not. So we just move on with our plans (i can't write my plans here incase teachers or back-stabbers read my blog and tell the teachers)

Then later, in the afternoon, i got a phone call from Sharmiza. At first i thought it was some strangers trying to prank me so i passed the phone to Danica. Then Sharmiza told every single detail of what had happen to Danica and then we could just stand there in silence. All of us were dead shocked!! We have never been in that situation before. The main thing about the phone call is that we are all going to be penalized of our exams and be given a big '0' for the PA paper. If we pail that paper which means there's no point we take the other paper because it will be failed also.

So we headed on home right after that. While in the car, we all tried to think of ways to get us out of that mess. So the first thing that came to my mind is to call Pn Ung and try to sweet talk her. So we go on with that idea and called her. She didn't sound angry or anything and she even acted that she don't know what is going on. I was wondering if she really knows or is it just a rumour that my friends heard. So i try my best not to sound as if i already know that she caught us going out. And so i pretended to ask her what is the reason that she wanted to see us just now. So then after taht she told me that she did not see us in class and she can't find us anywhere in the school so she had to file a report. And she ask us to write a letter of apology each and hope that the school will just waive this case and leave us with a warning. But she said that she can't promise us that the school will do that. Sigh...

Thats all that happen today (enough to turn my head around). I don't even have mood to study right now. I am watching US OPEN right now..the women single's final between Serena Williams and Jelena Jankovic.. Just wish me luck with the school tomorrow. Sigh...

so bored!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-07T22:49:00.002+08:00

haih... I am supposed to study this weekend but i just can't find the mood or will to study. I feel so damn guilty that i am wasting my time just like that. The only thing that i've done this weekend is register myself in a driving school. Nothing much is happening to my life now. Its just a very dull weekend. It is always like that when it comes to examination week. Just hope that i can loosen up a little bit and just relax. and i mean really relax, not just relax infront of my friends. Anyways, wish me luck for my trials. Bye.

Why is it so hard to tell!?!?!?!

2008-09-06T22:42:00.002+08:00

It really annoys me when someone come to me for help ( counseling ) and refuse to tell me the whole story/event/incident. If you're so reluctant to tell then don't ask me for help because i can't help if i don't even know what is going on. Especially after asking so many times and yet you still refuse to tell, then just keep your problems to yourself man. I really don't have the patience to deal with your nonsense.

OK now, back to trials. Had my first paper today. It wasn't as difficult as i thought it would be but it wasn't that easy too. Some of the question really doesn't make sense to me at all. So i don't put too much hope on getting an 'A' for that paper. By the way its Pengajian Am which is General Paper in English. It is just a very bad start for my trials. Hopefully it will get better, at least for me. So that's all that happen today basically. Nowadays, i feel really tired and sleepy all the time. Maybe it's stress or maybe it's just lack of sleep. I don't really know but it's not a big deal. Will update further about the trials and my life soon. Bye tc...

arrghhh!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-05T22:51:00.002+08:00

Trials are starting tomorrow... Not really fond of it but it also indicates how close it is for us to finish our final year and leave the stupid school. The bad thing is we have to study like mad and hope that we don't go crazy because of all the stress. I will still try my best to update my blog daily..Obviously it will be about my exam papers. So have to go now. To get some sleep...pray hard for me if you want...haha...bye take care....

moment of truth.....

2008-09-03T22:39:00.002+08:00

This is the current hit game show in my house. It is a game show where they ask questions that are not related to history, current affairs nor it is related to international conflicts. Instead, they ask personal questions and the goal to win this game show is just merely telling the truth. But everyone knows how hard it is to tell the truth as the truth hurts. To make it worst, the family members of the contestants will be there to watch every single minute of it. It is a cool game show so i highly recommend it. On Starworld, 10 pm every wednesday!!! Enjoy..tc...bye...

quite pissed...but nothing i can do....

2008-09-02T22:58:00.002+08:00

today was the rehearsal day for an event, some cert awarding event, in school. Originally i was suppose to get 3 certs. But now i only getting 2. The 5R club teacher says that someone else deserved the cert more than me. I bet there are some people that tell her that. If not she wouldn't have said that. But i don't have any prove that it really happen so i will just keep quiet. I wish that those who are involved in back-stabbing me and Danica will be "glad" and be "proud" of our certs. Damn pissed at those people!!!!!!!!!!!

yerrr... so scary....!!

2008-09-01T22:50:00.002+08:00

I don't know why, but lately there are many strangers added me in msn. I don't know them at all. Then they will just send me a link to a porn website featuring them...at least that's what they say. I don't enjoy it ok. In case you think i liked it. I just find it very weird and a little bit scary. I wonder how they got my email add from. Ish... a lesson... Don't add people that you're not sure of as your friend... TC bye...

my weekend....

2008-08-31T22:51:00.004+08:00

my new flipflops....

basically this weekend is not really fun to blog about. I actually felt upset and i felt a little disappointed with what has happen. So that's why i will not blog about it and just leave it at peace. Hopefully i will never have to go through such situation anymore.

Even though mostly i felt sad, but there are a few good things that happen in the weekend. I went to a gathering with my friends in Kwan and Teng's house. Sadly Janelle could not make it. But no biggy we will just plan for another outing or gathering that she can come to. It is not that we have a lot of things to do there as it is a last minute kinda thing. But we really enjoy each other's company. At least i hope everyone did. I most certainly didn't because of my mood. But i did a good job covering it actually. No one knew i was feeling down except Kwan and Teng. I am not sure whether the rest don't bother or just too afraid to ask. So basically that's my weekend. Quarreled with Y.K.W. and i really feel that i am a burden to everyone and i should not have any feelings.

Sometimes i wonder why there are people who don't want to get too attached to their friends or too involved with things revolving around them. At first i thought they are just anti-social. But now i have another view on that. They're doing so just to protect themselves from getting hurt. How i wish i can do that now. Just ignore as much people as i could and minimize the chances of me getting hurt ( in all sorts of ways)

That's it for my weekend, trials starting on saturday and yet i havent revise my studies. So i will need a lot of luck and prayers on my trials ( hint hint...) so tc..bye.

believed wat i said? YES or NO?

2008-08-29T00:42:00.003+08:00

I don't know is it because of the impression i give to people or is it just i am not trustworthy. I really am confused. Most of the time i am giving advise to others. But how do i know my advise is useful to them? Is it by looking at the feedback the gave me? Or maybe i should just trust that they will take my advise? I really feel like crap when i give advises and yet people just don't take it seriously. Maybe is it just my personality, always talking "crap", that make others doubt me. Sometimes i just feel that i am just a person to talk to when there's no one else around. SOMETIMES. And at times i just feel like a counselor that is just needed when there's a problem or a dilemma. Is it so hard to take my advise or even my idea? Even though i am always joking around but whenever someone needs advise or tips or even some idea, i will give all that i can think of seriously. I hope from now on, people will take me seriously when i am serious. And i feel that i am not only a clown but a customer service officer as well. I know my friends also help me when i need them but at least i take whatever they say or do to heart and really appreciate what they've done, i really do. I am not trying to point fingers at people but this is towards all who knows me in general. Sorry if i have offended any of you in any of my post. Tc.

P.s. Good luck and all the best Danica, You can do it!!!

stressed??? What can it do to us??

2008-08-27T22:58:00.002+08:00

I would like to talk about Stress before i start talking bout my day. Stress is so common amongst the form six students. Everyone faces their own type of stress. Whether its stress with coping with studies or even about money. To some its just stress about preparation for the future. The funny thing about stress is not what stress are we facing but how it changes someone to someone totally different. From a strong mentally person to a quiet and timid person. And some will become the ones that need help despite the joyous and happy-go-lucky personality. I just want to wish those people with stress just to calm down and try your best to deal with it. Even if you can't manage it, talk to someone and let your feelings out. I myself face a lot of challenges and stress. I would tell myself whatever i have just advised but i have my friends to stand with me and remind me about what i have said. Friends, I will try my best to help you all to cope with your stress like what you have done for me before this.

Today in school, nothing really special happen. In fact, i find school a bit boring nowadays. Izzati brought some steamed brownies from INDONESIA and it tasted so nice. Everyone in class loved it. Too bad i have no picture of it or even the brownies itself to let you ( my readers) taste it. But there is a downside to that box of brownies. It is packed in a box that is shaped like a shoe box (haha). At first we thought it is a pair of shoes and asked her why would she bring a pair of shoes to school. Then we found out is a box of brownies. We laughed our heads off....

Besides that, we are just too bored. Sam brought her guitar so she will be playing and all of us will sing to whatever song that she played. There's a point of boredom that Sam and i decided to do something really childish to do. We had a "fencing" session with marker pens and whiteboard duster. And we went round the class chasing each other. Haha...Maybe it is also the stress of studying now that we had to let loose of the Kid inside us to just loosen up a little bit. So that's my day. Besides that nothing really much happen. I find it really funny when we are in form six and yet we act like some 7-year-old kids....haha. so thats all, tc.

Don't Rush Me....!!!!

2008-08-26T22:36:00.002+08:00

I hate it when people just treat me like a servant. Asking to do their chores and asking me to deal with their problems. Like as if i don't have enough on my mind to keep me busy. Even worse scenario is that when i don't do it well or right, i get scolded like as if i am supposed to do it for them. Come on, it was like a favor that i am giving you. If you want it perfect, then do it yourself! Don't rush me to finish it so soon. Don't ask someone to do it and just throw tantrums around when it's screwed up. I just feel it is unfair. Then when i do it wrongly, they make me feel even worse than i have already felt. It's not like i want to right. Maybe lending a helping hand is not always rewarding in the end.

aww.. so sad..=(

2008-08-24T22:56:00.002+08:00

There's 2 things that make me sad today. First, the volleyball team above, my favourite, Brazil lost in the olympics today. How sad is that..but i cant do anything bout it. Maybe its just they're luck. They've played well but the USA team is playing exceptionally well. The best match that i've watched. I am at the edge of my seat for every single point man. Just imagine that. NO matter what, they're still my favourite team and THEY'RE STILL THE BEST IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!

The other thing that make me feel sad today is TOMORROW IS A SCHOOLING DAY. I feel so sad that i have to go back to school. I know we should be glad that we have education but school is just so not fun. I just can't wait to finish my schooling days. I know i've said it a lot but that's the truth. Even so, i will miss my schooling days the most. So thats it, have to sleep early for school tomorrow. Bye tc.

Oh Happy Day!!!!!!!

2008-08-23T22:48:00.005+08:00

today, finally i got my specs. Only the 2 of us went today because the rest wasn't free to go. So here's a pic of me with my specs and also Sam with hers.

me with new spec and new hair cut...

Sam...happy but dunno bcoz of the specs or...ehmm...

so nice or not??? Not nice don't say it out. Just keep it to yourselves. Anyway i liked it. Here are some pics of the specs. Like advertisement only...hahaha...

both our specs....

mine!!!!!!!!!!

Sam's....

After we took our glasses, we went on just loitering around summit trying to find things to do. Firstly, we went for lunch at the Thai restaurant. After eating we went to Reject shop and guess what we did. We went and try on clothes but didn't but any. The clothes looked nice but the cutting is damn weird but what can you expect from "reject" shop right. I didn't take any pic of Sam and her outfit because she didn't like any of them. And as for me, it only looked nice from the waist up. The pants are totally weird. Some of the shirt also have weird cuttings.

nice top..i Like it but not worth it larrr...

this one..hmm...look like uncle shirt (looks nice in the pic only)

So we left the shop without buying anything and Sam say its ok. That's what the girls usually do(she said). So now i know how come girls shop for hours and only come back with a few bags of things. Oh that's not all we did in Summit. We went to this booth that sells mooncakes and tried all the flavors. They had the weirdest of them all, Curry flavor. It tasted like curry puff but i find it weird that a mooncake tasted like the curry puff. We bought some of it and we also bought some of the mini things that is sold there too. So monday's breakfast is the mooncakes..haha.. That reminds me that school holidays are coming to the end and here comes school. Hate school...haih... sad case... anyways, that's all for now. bye tc.

Went out again...woo hooo!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-22T23:46:00.003+08:00

This time its with Nic and Jerry.

In the morning i got a surprise call from Jerry (who didn't call me for months now..). Obviously i was shocked. Then i got to know they're just in front of my house. So the 3 of us went out to have lunch at Ten Tien Fatt restaurant at USJ 8. Not really nice though. So we chat and chat till 1 p.m. then i suggested that we move on home because my dad wants me home early.

Guess what? Nic planned for me to lie to my dad and say that i go to work early and go out with them a little bit longer as we haven't seen each other for quite some time now. So we went to the Summit ( again...) and watch movie. We watched The Mummy. Most of my friends says that it sucks but i find it rather interesting to watch. In fact, its quite awesome to watch. I think those who said that movie sucks do not appreciate those kind of movie. Maybe they are more suitable to watch romantic love stories or even some comedy.

After the movie, we went for dinner at Anggerik. I ended up not going to work...haha. Then when i came home early from " work" my dad asked "why so early?". Then i replied "I came home earlier because i wasn't feeling well". HAHAHAHA. Such a liar right. Tomorrow i will be picking up my new lenses with Sam. Which means...going out again. So fun right... thats it for now. Hopefully will get to post with photos of my new specs ( poser..!haha..). But just keep your eyes on the specs because i am getting a new hair cut tomorrow and i predict it will be an ugly one. Bye tc.

2008-08-20T22:41:00.003+08:00

wow....i practically had the best day of the year today. Sam, Bryan, Y.K.W. and I went out to summit. The original plan was to get the new glasses that i have blogged about. Then Sam and Y.K.W. wanted to watch a movie. So we went and see what movie is available and guess what...the movie chosen was " Mirror". It's one of the freakiest movie i have ever watched...the freakiest is still " The Exorcism of Emily Rose".

During the movie, Bryan keep getting up to go to the john and somewhere else. I bet he is freaking out inside of him. So to hide his sissy-ness, he gave all that excuses. Haha..just kidding. Sam is so funny during the movie. Everyone is scared but not as bad as Sam. She covers her eyes and watch from between her fingers. And from time to time she won't even watch and asked Bryan to tell her what has happen. It is so funny looking at them like that.

After the movie, we headed to Focus Point to get the new glasses. I had a hard time finding for the right one because the one that i wanted is no more there. sob sob... so i had to start from square 1. Going through every single one of them until i found one that suits my face. That pair of glasses is also in Sam's waiting list. I felt quite bad making her find a few more pair so that she can choose others. The fact is, there are so many pairs that suits her but for me there's only one. Hopefully she really really like the one that she chose in the end. At least the rest thought it suits me. I felt that it is nice on me but i don't really like the sides. I don't feel comfortable when i put it on. Nevertheless, it looks nice from the front. After choosing the glasses i had to go for the eye test because i wasn't sure of my current power. It took so long for the person to deal with it in the 'room'. Everyone was wondering what was i doing in the room with that dude..haha so funny. So after all that is done, after so long, we went around and sell the cockroach repellent thingy.

That is actually the first time i did direct-selling. Sam and i went in to every restaurant there is in summit and yet none of them want to buy. I didn't have much emotion after that but as for Sam, she is quite disappointed with the results. But we can't be too hard with ourselves on that. It's basically the first time that we are doing it. Gambateh!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and one more thing, my dad is in super good mood today. He let me out and not scold me at all when i return. And better still, he let me out for badminton tomorrow. How cool is that..! I wish he will stay that way for long but i doubt it. So that's it...will blog soon, with pictures of the glasses hopefully. Bye tc.

Unemployed..?!? FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-19T23:13:00.003+08:00

finally i have tendered my resignation today. I will be unemployed starting from next friday( my last day). I am a little sad that i am leaving but i have to for the sake of my studies.

Everything is going well today. NO quarreling going on. NO stress. And the plan of getting new glasses goes on as planned. Hopefully nothing disturbs it tomorrow. Me and Y.K.W. are fine again. Of course there are a bit of awkwardness still but we are doing fine. I am very embarrassed to face him actually after causing him so much problem. I am very thankful that he is not giving up on me.

Just can't wait for tomorrow. New glasses!!! hopefully i can find a nice pair that really suits me. If not, i won't get any. So basically that's all for today. Its better to keep it short and sweet. hahahah. bye tc...

love...are there anymore in me??

2008-08-18T22:42:00.004+08:00

Lately i realize there are drastic changes in me. I might not be the same friendly person that everyone used to know. I might not even be that special someone that Y.K.W. might have known and love. I really don't know what is happening to me. I cant explain what is going on in my life and i don't know why i can hurt someone i cared for so badly. I don't know how else i can express my apology to those whom i have hurt. I feel so bad that i hurt a lot of people and yet i don't know how i can do such a thing. I really really am lost. I don't know where has the old Raymondo gone to.

Today i tried comforting Y.K.W. after i've done something wrong the night before. I went over to his home and he keep ignoring me. Then we head on to lunch but at that time i was a bit fed-up of him ignoring me so i ended up ignoring him too. Today's lunch was the most silent one that we ever had. I was happy that we finally sit down and lay down our problems so that we can settle it. Unfortunately, that wasn't the result of it. We both ended up even more disappointed and dejected with each other, well mostly he is disappointed in me for doubting him. I really really hope he understand what i am going through and stay strong for me. Even better, help me find "me" back and help me to learn how to love again.

So far the holidays have been sucky. I have plan to go out with Sam to get each of ourselves a pair of new glasses, but i guess that plan has to be abandoned. All my plans to loosen up my tense body during the holidays are being back-fired because of my "understanding" dad. He don't allow me to go out, not anywhere. His always say that there's no point of doing that. "Might as well you sit at home and study or rest" the usual thing that he always say. Come on, i will just be more tense if i am stuck at home all day long for 9 days. I keep standing up to him but no point. He wouldn't listen. He made me look like a small 7-year-old boy in front of my friends. Everything others can do i cant. I am about to lose it...i cant stand it anymore. I wish my life would be better even if it need to be ended, i don't mind. As long as i can break lose of this "jail house".

2008-08-17T22:44:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was the first time i ever go to kl myself...on a bike. I went all the way to bangsar area to pick my bro. Actually i was force to go there but its ok. I didn't regret it. At least now i know how to get there myself. All this while i always follow my friends around but i can't seem to remember the way to anywhere except in usj area.

About my trip to bangsar, i went at around 11.30 p.m., that's when my bro called me to pick him up. I was freaking out actually but i had to go because there isn't anyone else to pick him. Therefore, i went on the bike and head on to bangsar. I roughly know which highway to use so i just follow the signboards till i reached bangsar area. Even so i still don't know how to get to the KL Sentral. Usually i go there by train and its so easy compared to going there with a bike. So i had to call my bro and ask for instructions. All that trouble i had to go through just to realize that the station is just meters away from where i was. I feel so useless at that time. come to think of it now, its hilarious. So thats all that happen since i last blogged..so take care. Will post soon bye..

hols...does it make any difference???

2008-08-16T23:25:00.002+08:00

today, officially the holidays started but i don't find it very stress free. I just feel so stress living with my dad. I always feel that my every move is being watch and i don feel comfortable at all. Today, again, i stood up to him and blurted all that is in my mind. I can't even go out with my close friends without a curfew. i know i sounded like a spoil brat and my dad is just being a concern dad, but trust me my dad is one in a million. he only let me have like 2 hours with my friends even if my friends just came back from somewhere far or someone that i haven't seen for long. He is just so inconsiderate. I feel like living in a jail. So what if you have a house but be treated like that. Now holidays has started meaning i have to stay at home and face him more than ever. its not that i don't like being at home. It's just that he will just make my life a living hell. He will just find a way to annoy me. Lately i always quarrel with him about simple things but i just can't stand it. Thankfully i have Y.K.W. to be there when i need someone to talk to or when i just need someone to accompany me. i just want to say i love you for being such an understanding friend, even though i may be a little harsh on you at times but you still will listen to my problems. I thank you with all my heart. And to Kok Hong, thank for listening to my problems for over 8 years now. tc...

2008-08-14T23:13:00.002+08:00

this morning was my late uncle's burial... i still can't believe it that i have lost my uncle. Despite all that sorrow, we still have to live on and try to be happy again. Lately i feel that i get angry, irritated and annoyed very quickly. Usually i won't feel annoyed or even affected by the insults from others. i may sometimes even insult back with 'benefits'. I don't really know what is going on with me. I feel very fatigue all the time, and even lost myself mentally and emotionally. Maybe it is cause by stress since exams is just around the corner.

Today in school, nothing really special happen. The whole class just reassure of the plan to skip school tomorrow and have a class outing. It has been awhile that we go out as a class. Besides, i think we need a break from all that studying and nagging from teachers. So the plan is on..we are going to skip school to play volleyball and futsal. I can't wait to play with them as this will be the first time i play volleyball and futsal with my classmates. It feel so weird and actually wasted that most of us only got closer towards the end of our schooling era. If only we would have open up to each other earlier then maybe we would be a class with stronger friendship bond.

In school, when i was about to enter the library, Pn Ung( discipline teacher) saw me without a tie from the block across. She immediately shouted at me and ask me to change my uniform to what the normal students are wearing. Actually i am glad to do so. i have always wanted to change to the normal student's uniform once i retire from being a prefect. It was she who didn't allow it at that time. Now look...if only she would have allow it earlier then she wouldn't have to yell at me or even make me hate her even more. So i am going to wear my old uniform starting from when school reopens.

So basically that's my day. Hopefully i am able to feel like myself again very soon. I am so tired of being so short tempered and always feeling tense. Just can't wait for tomorrow, just to enjoy and let lose of all the stress. so long....tc..

another death....:(

2008-08-11T22:54:00.002+08:00

just posted a happy post and now my posts become sad again. this morning another person in my life is gone to another stage of life, death. my uncle, Raymond Chin, just passed away this morning and i only got the news at the afternoon after i got back from school. actually we already set our minds that he will leave us 1 day because he is suffering from cancer for quite some time already but we didn't expect it to be this soon.

its just a month ago that he visited us here in kl. we had dinners and luncheons together and even joke till late at night. we always try to keep him happy as we don't know when will he depart. i am overwhelmed by the situation right now because he is 1 of the uncle that actually cared for us here. even though we are not rich like others are. even though we are not as friendly or as close like the others are but he never forget us as his nephews. other uncles will only call us or sms us when there is something major going on like family gathering that all of us have to attend. but Uncle Raymond always cares. everytime we go back to Kuching, he will definitely invite us to his house even if its a short meeting but its the thought of it that counts. so what if you have all the money in the world if you don't even care for your family members.

but now, all that's left are just memories, bitter sweet memories. i am not able to get there for his funeral because of some complication and i really hope that he understands(wherever he is). i don give a damn if the rest feel that i don even care about him and his death because they don even want to care about us at our hard times. i really feel bad that i could not go to his funeral to pay him a last respect but i will pray for him here.

and i hope that his family members, Ruben, Leslie, Bradley, Mei Mei and Remy( the baby) will stay strong together and look out for each other. i really wish i could help them if i can but now i have to settle my own problems first before i can help them. let this be a lesson to us so that we will appreciate those who are around us. no matter how much our siblings annoy us, no matter how much our parents control us, just bare with it. after all we are still a family.

Olympics...!

2008-08-10T22:56:00.002+08:00

here it comes again...the most entertaining games ever...The Olympic Games. i love sports, so i am enjoying every second of it. especially the volleyball and swimming(so far).. i have spent all my weekend being a couch potato and watch everything that happen in the Olympics. i know, i know i shud be studying and all...but its just so irresistible. its just me..when it comes to sport, i will just glue my eyes to the screen and not move till the commercials come on then i will go get a drink or something to snack on..if not i won't even move...not even for dinner. cant wait for the track and field to start...that is the moments or events that everyone is waiting for actually...so thats all that happen in my weekend...boring to some but not me...sport is everything to me...besides those with lives( friends and family).. ok now back to the sports...bye tc..

99 days... haih

2008-08-07T05:02:00.003+08:00

starting from today, there's only 99 days left for my most major exam up to now, STPM. i am actually looking forward to that day..even so, there are some part of me that wanted these few days to last as long as they could as i am so not prepared yet..but i really cant stand the torture anymore...especially with zaini nagging and screeching her high pitch voice in class...i hate it...i hate it so much... my advice to those who wants to go form 6 in the future...think twice..no make it three times...and if can don go...its a suffering...most of us just want to get over it and just be free..and hope that uni life is better but i doubt so la...i am so sick of school and the system..anyways that all i got to say..have a great day ahead...chaoz...

stress lar....!!!!

2008-08-02T22:48:00.002+08:00

this is 1 word for my day....stress.... i just have so many things happening...i haven't any time to finish my notes.... then my family's problem is getting worst... and some of my closest friend is hurt bcoz of these problem...indirectly...

i so hate it when i am so pressured and yet other ppl keep forcing me to do things that i don wan to... why must i always make ppl feel good while i am not... i am so sick of it..sick of making ppl feel nice but i cant feel good myself...why is that so...is that my fate...am i fated to be a counselor that cant comfort himself or something like that...i really need my friends to understand my situation...i wont tell my problems out so easily but i hope my friends will just be there for me and understand my situation.... bcoz to them...i am just a clown who like to make fun of everything... but i want to stop being a clown...not that i want to stop making ppl happy...but at least be happy with them...hopefully someone can find happiness for me to keep...haih...miss spending time with my friends...