its too difficult... i cant take it anymore....

after so long after the break up, i am still so in love with u. why is that so? aren't love suppose to fade like ur love for me?? i feel so tortured. everyday i have to put on a mask just to show ppl that i am ok. but the fact is i am not.

i felt like this is not a break up at all because in my heart, we are like family already. and this felt like a divorce instead. now that i think of it. it made sense now that all the morning smses is not replied at all. and when i ask u, u said that there is nothing to reply. and for months u only replied sms with questions. have it ever crossed ur mind to talk about it so that we can work things out? i guess not. that's why we are here now right.. and everytime i end the calls with "i love u" u will just reply "ah" and "ehm". have u ever thought of telling me the truth? what happen to being honest? i know i haven't really been honest to u. but my love for u is the most honest thing i can give u. i dunno what is going on with my life now. i really don't.

now i am so afraid to even sms u. everyday i felt like sending u an sms to show that i still care but i cant because i do not want to spoil ur day. as i know my sms is gonna make u feel disgusted, unlike sms from the other friends of urs. when i know there is a possibility of someone else getting u, it hurts me even more. i keep telling myself, its over and forget about it. but i cant. everything i do i will think of u. every other person that sms me and try to flirt, i will reply coldly. because i just cant. i cant hurt any other ppl as i know i only love u alone. i cant pretend to like them and hurt them because i know how hurt is the heart when its broken. i myself cant bare the hurt. everyday i pray so that everyone is being honest to u, they do not lie to u or even hurt u. but thats all i could do from now on. that time when i called u when u had an emo post on msn, i was thought about it alot of times, weather or not to call. but i finally said to myself, pride is nothing when it comes to comforting u. i just felt like u need someone to talk to u. even though i know that u have other friends to comfort u but i still want to be one of them.

i dunno if u still feel that i am being fake. when u told me the attention u received from me is fake. i felt like a lost soul. i really do. i feel like i have given my all and yet it is fake. and to see u smile when u get sms from ur other friends and an sms from me is only gonna make u angry, how do u think i would feel? i had been sad for u, i had been angry about the things that u have done to me when we were together... but thats not enough to kill the love i have for u. even though u don forgive me for wat i have done. u don even want to say that u forgive me when i ask for forgiveness. but i will forgive u for all the things u have hid from me. for all the things that u have done wrong to me even the break up. i forgive u for all that. and i pray that u will have a good life and that God will guide u through ur degree and that u will past with flying colours.

i would tell u all this myself but i am too afraid to talk to u or even sms u like this. so i will just post it here in my blog, if u read it then good. but if not its ok. at least u will someday know that i have said this before. take good care of yourself. and i will always always love u till the end of my life. not even if there is a new person in my life can take away the love i have for u. u r the one love for me....