i have always ask myself this question. I know everyone need some company but why do i need it all the time. Why do i rely on another person so much?
I grew up a loner without my siblings and parents. From young i have been raised by my aunt and usually i will just follow her around and have no one to talk to.Since i moved back with my family, i have been sad. Not because i am living a hard life or anything like that but i just felt so left out. My siblings wouldn't bother much about me because we didn't have the sibling bond since young. And as for my parents, they were too busy making money so we could live on. Frankly, if you ask any of my parents about me they wouldn't now much.
Since i started school, friends have been my company. I grew to be quite sociable since i am in primary. Initially that was because i need my own group to survive school life. You know how it is in school where there are the cool gang and also the not-so-cool gang. Until this very moment i am still like that. In school i will have to have some close friends to keep me company. Here's the catch. How long more i can rely on them? Months...years...? I myself do not know that.
i really hate the fact that i have to rely on someone to live on. The truth is i always have some trust issues with people. This is because i have been hurt so many times by my friends. Therefore, it's a little difficult to earn my trust. So far there are some friends that i really trust ( you know who you are) and some whom i don't trust fully yet. Some people said teachers are "parents" in school. I personally think that teacher ( some) only know how to judge and have perceptions about us. I really hate that about them. Teachers often sees me as a happy, care-free kind of person. And so they make some speculation about me without even know my true self. That's the reason why i don't trust teachers(most).
I really want to learn how to live on my own. I easily get frustrated when people don't understand what i am saying or just take me for granted. I know i am a person that is easy to make use of. when you don't have a friend, there's always Raymondo around to accompany you. Sometimes i just want to live alone. In that case i won't be able to hurt anyone and no one can hurt me. Almost everyday now i will quarrel with someone, regardless of family or friends. I don't want that anymore. People often misunderstand and thinks that i hurt them on purpose. But they do not know what they did in the first place that got me really aggitated. I just can't wait to have my own "wings" and live on my own. Of course i will still meet up with friends and family but i just don't want to meet them( those who hurt me) everyday.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
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2 comments:
hey bro..
i jus hav to say this.. it's no accident that i read this post.(u know how 'often' i actually do) hehe.. but i think its God's way of answering your question. First, no man can live alone, we all need each other, but we don't nee to rely on one another. We depend on Him. I don't wanna sound preachy, but if you will jus hear me out 4 a lil while more..
You're not the only one who feels this way, many ppl do. Thats one of the causes of suicide. But, I presume you haven't reached that stage yet, otherwise I have been a horrible friend. I jus want you to know that when all else fails you, God is always and will always be there. Regardless of what you have been taught abt Christianity, I suggest you start afresh. Instead of placing God under 'religion' category, try talking to Him. He is my bestest friend. Since primary. (ask me abt it <;) anyway, as i was saying, jus try it. Talk to him. Like you would talk to a friend. Believe. It really is so simple. It's ok if you hav strayed, He will and wants to forgive us.Always remembr that he loves us.sorry to sound so preachy, but i had to tell you this.. Its ok if you've made mistakes, he'll love you anyway. and when you finally give your heart to him, I tell you, the emptiness you feel will disappear completely. Because only God can fill your longing. (; Try it. He is waiting..
wow i din u had that in you.
thinking about what u said makes me feel like im a stereotype though.
ray, we all live like that(looking for group of close friends) except i din noe bout ur family bond problems. cuz family is the most important thing in life...i think.
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