9th day has come...and i am still hoping

ytd was suppose to meet HIM for lunch but HE already eaten. i thought maybe we don have to meet la since HE already had lunch. so i ask if HE still want to go out with me. HE said yes. we went to have the rojak that HE has always promised to bring me. although HE didnt eat, but i felt so happy sitting next to HIM and eat the food that we always wanted to eat together. although now we are just friends but to me HE is so sweet to still come out and teman me. I HOPE AFTER READING THIS HE WON'T RESTRAIN HIMSELF TO NOT SEE ME EVER, NOT EVEN ON NORMAL FRIENDS OUTING.

then we head on to SP to get his phone. i can see it in HIS eyes that he really wanted to get that phone. and when HE really got it, HE was so happy and HIS eyes just glow. I personally was not enjoying myself at all. being with him physically but emotionally not there. it hurt me so bad to be there but feel lost at the same time. but all i want is to see HIM smile again. and that is why i lend him some money first to get his phone. i know for a fact if i say don have to return, he will not ever accept. and i know that i only would like to have my DEAR to return...not the cash. but who am i kidding. dreams are meant to be dreams.

we talk so much about whatever we felt like talking. and yes i only could talk about US, US and US. i only want him to remember all the sweet events that we have been through. and i keep telling him things. and at one point, i know for a fact that i really do love him. i know he can really feel. my friends told me, why are u still waiting for HIM? why are u sacrificing so much for HIM? and all i can say to them is.... u don know HIm and u don know my love for him is how deep... u all don know how much we have been through together... how much tears have been shed... how much laughter that has been heard... how much anger that we had blasted on each other... but all that emotions lets me know that HE still care. but right now at this moment... there is nothing at all from HIM. its like as though HE was dreaming for past 2 years and now HE is awake and all that was a dream. HE told me he is very curious and wants to try everything. then i started thinking, did HE even started with me as a curious move. did he really fell for me??? did HE really had a crush on me before. i started being paranoid. and then there is this moment i saw a msg in his phone by accident.. and it reads: i need you.... i changed... my face turned black.. i could care less about the ending. i could care less about who sent it... the only think i know is that i am super jealous about it.. i hope he knows i am jealous because he is really important to me and i don want him to get hurt ever again. ever.....

i went to work... had a lot of beer.. started acting crazy... and when i came back.. i almost killed myself because of the beer.. but i kept thinking of how i have to live so that i have a chance to love HIM and be loved by HIM again... and i got home safely... i know it sounded cheeky... it sounded like some hong kong drama.. But let me tell you this.. ITS ALL REAL... i am not making up stories to make it look interesting. this is what i felt and this is wat i am going to bloog about... everything i go through in the absence of RLGQ. a very very very important person in my life.. i want HIM to know that i am not useless, stupid and that i am very loving and caring towards HIM. and all i can do now is to let him REALIZE it by HIMSELF. and i will not live for him but i will live for me and hope that he will one day reunite with me so that we can live for US.

ps: SLY so much