love...are there anymore in me??

Lately i realize there are drastic changes in me. I might not be the same friendly person that everyone used to know. I might not even be that special someone that Y.K.W. might have known and love. I really don't know what is happening to me. I cant explain what is going on in my life and i don't know why i can hurt someone i cared for so badly. I don't know how else i can express my apology to those whom i have hurt. I feel so bad that i hurt a lot of people and yet i don't know how i can do such a thing. I really really am lost. I don't know where has the old Raymondo gone to.

Today i tried comforting Y.K.W. after i've done something wrong the night before. I went over to his home and he keep ignoring me. Then we head on to lunch but at that time i was a bit fed-up of him ignoring me so i ended up ignoring him too. Today's lunch was the most silent one that we ever had. I was happy that we finally sit down and lay down our problems so that we can settle it. Unfortunately, that wasn't the result of it. We both ended up even more disappointed and dejected with each other, well mostly he is disappointed in me for doubting him. I really really hope he understand what i am going through and stay strong for me. Even better, help me find "me" back and help me to learn how to love again.

So far the holidays have been sucky. I have plan to go out with Sam to get each of ourselves a pair of new glasses, but i guess that plan has to be abandoned. All my plans to loosen up my tense body during the holidays are being back-fired because of my "understanding" dad. He don't allow me to go out, not anywhere. His always say that there's no point of doing that. "Might as well you sit at home and study or rest" the usual thing that he always say. Come on, i will just be more tense if i am stuck at home all day long for 9 days. I keep standing up to him but no point. He wouldn't listen. He made me look like a small 7-year-old boy in front of my friends. Everything others can do i cant. I am about to lose it...i cant stand it anymore. I wish my life would be better even if it need to be ended, i don't mind. As long as i can break lose of this "jail house".